As CHRISTIAN speaks, there is a strange chattering sound that can be distinctly heard.
CHRISTIAN
OK, we’re back. Now next up—wait, wait a minute. What is that sound? Does anyone else hear that?
JOE
(standing offstage, looking directly above him)
Looks like there’s a squirrel in the back of the studio.
CHRISTIAN
Squirrel in the studio? Can you take care of that?
JOE
No.
CHRISTIAN
Well—why not.
JOE
Squirrel’s not hurting anybody.
CHRISTIAN
Well you don’t have to kill it, just move it out of the studio. It’s kind of distracting, we’re shooting here.
JOE
Who’s to say you’re not distracting the squirrel?
CHRISTIAN
It’s a squirrel.
JOE
(no longer concerned with Christian)
He’s real cute. Look at him. Heh heh.
CHRISTIAN
Joe, you can move him outside—
JOE
(to the person operating the camera next to him)
Hey. Hey you. Get the squirrel on tape.
CUT TO
A (stuffed) squirrel capering about somewhere in the studio. JOE laughs throughout.
CHRISTIAN
(offscreen)
Joe, we have to—this is not the time to be taping a squirrel. Hey. Hey!
JOE
Little squirrel! So cute! Heh heh.
Suddenly, the squirrel notices people are looking at him. He goes behind a wall and reemerges holding a sign reading “ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE!”
CHRISTIAN
Ugh, Joe! That squirrel is a right-wing ideologue!
JOE
No he’s not. Look at him dance! Heh heh.
CHRISTIAN
Look at his sign! Get him out of here!
JOE
No.
CHRISTIAN
Come on, now, cut to commercial, we’ll be right back.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
The two editors of my sister's "Understanding the Film: An Introduction to Film Appreciation" textbook
Jan Bone
Ron Johnson
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
WOO!
WOO!
He he he. He. Heh.
Wow.
Ron Johnson
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
WOO!
WOO!
He he he. He. Heh.
Wow.
Monday, March 06, 2006
The Cult, Act I
SCENE: An angular boardroom with a desk, a couch, several chairs and a large window. The desk is covered with only a few odds and ends. All the objects in the room are bright white except for the strangely light brown wooden desk and everything looks brand new, though it is all simple. The only thing remarkable about the furniture of the room and the surroundings is the sheer simplicity of it all. A sheer white curtain hangs loosely over the window, covering little glass and blocking no light. In the corner of the room, there is a water cooler filled to the very top. All props should have this same sterile, lifeless, simple look.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, come in here!
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make my choice easier and will ensure that I come to the correct conclusion.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
[TIMOTHY exits and almost immediately reenters, no longer holding the clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Sir, we have reason to believe the press has been snooping around the commune.
PRITCHARD: Do we? What is the reason?
TIMOTHY: Well a number of the new members have been seen discretely taking notes.
PRITCHARD: Notes? With what?
TIMOTHY: With a pen and a pad, sir.
PRITCHARD: Such implements are against regulations!
TIMOTHY: I know, sir. We believe they smuggled them under their robes.
PRITCHARD: These damnable robes! Why do we wear these things anyway?
TIMOTHY: Well the reasons are twofold. Firstly, you believe that conformity breeds brotherhood, which is one of the founding principles of Dairyview. Secondly, they symbolize the purity of soul that we strive for as members of Dairyview.
PRITCHARD: That’s a fine explanation, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: I’m only reciting from the Leadership Guide that you wrote.
PRITCHARD: Well done!
TIMOTHY: And if I may, sir, I could venture a third reason.
PRITCHARD: Yes, yes, go ahead. If you truly believe you have another justification then I would love to hear it.
TIMOTHY: Thank you, sir. I was just thinking that these robes are dirt cheap.
PRITCHARD: And they are! Well done, Timothy!
TIMOTHY: Thank you, sir. But what are we to do about the press?
PRITCHARD: Expel them from the premises. But be nice about it.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. I’ll send Christoph and Madigan to do it.
PRITCHARD: Sounds fine.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately.]
TIMOTHY: Sir, we have a few concerned citizens who wish to file an informal petition with your office.
PRITCHARD: What about?
TIMOTHY: I’m not sure, sir.
PRITCHARD: Send them in.
TIMOTHY: Well there are two groups.
PRITCHARD: Two groups? Already?
TIMOTHY: That’s about the average, sir.
PRITCHARD: Is it?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I supposed you’re right as always, Timothy. Well send in the first group.
TIMOTHY: Which group should be the first group, sir?
PRITCHARD: Whichever group arrived first, I supposed.
TIMOTHY: They both arrived at the same time, sir.
PRITCHARD: At exactly the same time, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: More or less, sir.
PRITCHARD: What do you mean more or less, Timothy? Was there any discernable difference?
TIMOTHY: Presumably there was, sir, but I was detained in your office when they arrived.
PRITCHARD: Did Heller see anything?
TIMOTHY: She didn’t, sir. She was reading at the time.
PRITCHARD: And why was she reading, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: You allowed her to bring a book from the Approved Reading List to work with her because, by giving her a diversion during her many downtimes, her morale would be boosted and her output efficiency would be increased.
PRITCHARD: Sound reasoning, I’d say. Thank you Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. But there’s still the problem of the first group to attend to.
PRITCHARD: Ah, yes. We need some sort of tiebreaker, don’t we?
TIMOTHY: It would seem so, sir.
PRITCHARD: Uh huh. Well how about you take the group that is positioned closest to my door.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. That sounds like a fine idea, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately]
PRITCHARD: Where’s the first group?
TIMOTHY: There’s a problem, sir.
PRITCHARD: What’s the problem?
TIMOTHY: Well the groups are not together. They are spread across the lobby.
PRITCHARD: The lobby is small, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: I understand that, sir, but they are spread to the extent they can be spread.
PRITCHARD: Please, explain the situation to me, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Well, sir, both groups are composed of a man and a woman.
PRITCHARD: What are their relations?
TIMOTHY: You mean the relation between the two groups or the relations between the constituent members of each individual group?
PRITCHARD: Naturally the relations between the constituent members of each individual group.
TIMOTHY: I am not sure, sir. But I don’t think it has an effect on the situation at hand.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I believe you are correct, Timothy. Go on.
TIMOTHY: Well, sir, the man from one party is positioned closest to the door, followed by the woman from the other party, then the man from the same party as the aforementioned woman and then, farthest from the door is the woman who goes with the man who is closest to the door.
PRITCHARD: That is quite the situation.
TIMOTHY: Quite, sir.
PRITCHARD: I can understand how you would be unable to come to a decision based on my earlier directives alone. Nevertheless, a decision must be made. What are the names of the parties?
TIMOTHY: I’ll check, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately with a clipboard.]
PRITCHARD: Do you have an answer in reference to my earlier question regarding the names of the parties in the lobby?
TIMOTHY: No, sir.
PRITCHARD: And why not?
TIMOTHY: In the time of our conversation, a third party has entered the lobby and also wishes to file a petition.
PRITCHARD: And these people just arrived?
TIMOTHY: Just this minute, sir, a bit after the other two parties arrived several minutes ago.
PRITCHARD: Well send in the third party. We’ll worry about the other two later.
TIMOTHY: A wise choice, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately behind a man and a woman both named ALLYN, no longer holding the clipboard. The ALLYNS rush up to PRITCHARD’s desk and bow with their foreheads on the floor and their palms up by their side. PRITCHARD nods approvingly. They bow silently for about twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Thank you, you may stand up.
MR ALLYN: Thank you, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Yes, infinite thanks for your time and patience.
[The ALLYNS bow again as before and PRITCHARD waits another twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Please, stand up. I understand you would like to file a petition.
MR ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. Yes, Prophet
PRITCHARD: Well please, let me hear the details of your petition.
MRS ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. Thank you, Prophet.
MR ALLYN: We’d like to apologize in advance, Prophet. Our petition is frivolous and a waste of your important time—
PRITCHARD: [Jovially, loudly] Nonsense! [The ALLYNS cower and PRITCHARD hesitates and speaks softer.] Every concern of everyone at Dairyview is of the utmost importance to me. Nothing is more important to me, in fact.
MRS ALLYN: That is truly a testament to your benevolence, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Please, proceed.
MR ALLYN: Well, Prophet, I believe that we represent a sizable portion of Dairyview when we express our concerns regarding the glorious mess hall.
PRITCHARD: [innocuously] Is there a problem with the mess hall.
MR ALLYN: [flinching, frightened and rushed] Ah! No, no Prophet. It’s just—
MRS ALLYN: It’s just that you recently added grape juice next to the orange juice in the juice line.
MR ALLYN: A wise choice, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly! Undoubtedly! But the problem is just—with two juices—many of your acolytes are having trouble deciding.
PRITCHARD: I’m not sure I understand.
MR ALLYN: Well it’s just that your unquestionable benevolence might be—and please don’t take offense—certainly I make no pretensions to— [he struggles to stifle sobs.]
MRS ALLYN: We can’t choose, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Can’t choose? Between the juices?
MR ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. It’s difficult to decide. Both are—so good. And both are—so well-chosen.
PRITCHARD: They both have their pros and cons.
MR ALLYN: Aaah, yes, that’s true Prophet. But their pros and cons, it seems to us, are about equal, and making a decision—
PRITCHARD: It’s difficult for you.
MRS ALLYN: Yes! Yes, Prophet! Yes!
PRITCHARD: Your problem is understandable. I can sympathize quite well, in fact.
MR ALLYN: You are truly generous, Prophet. You truly, truly are.
PRITCHARD: Perhaps it would help if I produced a memorandum outlining the pros and cons as I see them.
MRS ALLYN: That would be truly helpful, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I believe that is what I’ll do. Thank you very much for your petition.
MRS ALLYN: Prophet, if I may—
[MR ALLYN gasps in horror and begins shaking noticeably.]
PRITCHARD: Yes, of course. Go on.
MRS ALLYN: What should we drink until then?
PRITCHARD: Well let’s just go over the pros and cons right now. Timothy, perhaps you should take this down as our conclusions here may help us in shaping our memorandum.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately holding a clipboard and pen.]
PRITCHARD: Let’s begin with grape juice. The taste is stronger.
MR ALLYN: That it is.
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly!
PRITCHARD: I prefer a stronger taste. It’s more concentrated. A con though, when spilled it stains easily.
MR ALLYN: Yes, it does, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Unquestionably. And with these white robes—
MR ALLYN: Immaculate! Perfectly chosen!
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly. But their whiteness makes them easily stained.
PRITCHARD: Yes. Which unfortunately undercuts their symbolization of the purity we strive to achieve at Dairyview.
TIMOTHY: On the other hand, they are easy to replace because they are so cheap.
PRITCHARD: An excellent point, Timothy. Nevertheless, I believe that still earns a place in the Con column, don’t you?
TIMOTHY: I think that’s a wise choice, sir.
PRITCHARD: OK, then. Moving on to orange juice. It’s lighter, which is also good if you’re in the mood for a lighter beverage.
MR ALLYN: Absolutely, Prophet. Absolutely.
PRITCHARD: But orange juice does have pulp, which I don’t like.
MRS ALLYN: Actually, Prophet, this orange juice is pulp-free.
[MR ALLYN shudders and looks as if he vomits a bit in his mouth and swallows it quickly. He swoons, looking as if he might faint.]
PRITCHARD: Ah! That’s wonderful, then. I would have to recommend orange juice for the time being. At least until we release our official memorandum.
MRS ALLYN: Thank you, Prophet! Thank you for your guidance!
[They bow as before.]
PRITCHARD: Think nothing of it. And, of course, mine is only one man’s opinion. Feel free to continue drinking grape juice if you wish. Expect our memorandum within the month.
ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. We will take your wise words into advisement.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, you may show them the way out.
[TIMOTHY shows the ALLYNS the way out and returns almost immediately.]
TIMOTHY: Well decided, sir.
PRITCHARD: Thank you, Timothy. Please add the juice memorandum to our to-do list.
TIMOTHY: I’ve already done it, sir.
PRITCHARD: You’re a marvel, Timothy! Now else is there to attend to?
TIMOTHY: There are still two groups waiting for their petitions to be heard.
PRITCHARD: As I remember it, we never decided which group was to be allowed an audience first. Am I correct?
TIMOTHY: You are, sir.
PRITCHARD: So that problem needs to be attended to. You say they arrived at the same time?
TIMOTHY: More or less, sir.
PRITCHARD: Ah yes, I remember now. Well what are the names of the parties?
TIMOTHY: One is Sheffer and the other Armstrong.
PRITCHARD: Perhaps, since there seems to be no real rational reason to pick one over the other, we should use a purely arbitrary means of selection to make our decision all the easier.
TIMOTHY: What did you have in mind, sir?
PRITCHARD: Perhaps we attend to the groups in alphabetical order.
TIMOTHY: Alphabetical order?
PRITCHARD: It’s arbitrary, I know.
TIMOTHY: Once one has exhausted all the rational options, he must turn to the arbitrary.
PRITCHARD: Wise words, Timothy. I believe that is the best way to proceed. Please send in Armstrong.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately trailing a man and a woman both named SHEFFER. They bow for about twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Thank you. You may stand. You two are Armstrong, correct?
[The man and the woman look at each other nervously.]
MRS SHEFFER: Uh—
MR SHEFFER: Yes. Yes we are, Prophet.
TIMOTHY: Actually, sir, this is the Sheffer party.
PRITCHARD: It is? But Timothy, I thought we came to the decision to let the Armstrong party in first. Based on the alphabetical order of their names.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir, that is correct. But the Armstrong party left.
PRITCHARD: I see. Well, let me hear what you two have to say.
MR SHEFFER: Well, Prophet, it’s our son, you see.
PRITCHARD: Your son?
MR SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. He’s disappeared.
PRITCHARD: Disappeared? That’s queer.
MRS SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. We’re concerned as I’m sure you understand.
PRITCHARD: Of course, of course. I have a daughter of my own.
MR SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. Our son is about her age.
PRITCHARD: So you say he disappeared. Did you mean this literally? As in disappearing into thin air? Or perhaps he disintegrated into a mysterious mist?
MR SHEFFER: No, Prophet. Forgive me. It was merely a poorly chosen figure of speech.
PRITCHARD: No, no. I understand. So do you have any ideas where he is or might be?
MR SHEFFER: No—no, Prophet.
MRS SHEFFER: Well, uh—
MR SHEFFER: Don’t—
MRS SHEFFER: We think he may have run away and left Dairyview grounds.
[There is a weighty silence. MR SHEFFER groans as if he is expecting PRITCHARD to sentence them to death at any second. Pritchard looks shocked and hurt. TIMOTHY looks surprised as well, but does not let this fact shake him.]
PRITCHARD: Of course, anyone is free to leave at any time. Timothy?
TIMOTHY: That’s right, sir.
PRITCHARD: But no one ever has before.
TIMOTHY: That’s right, sir.
[There is another pause. Suddenly, PRITCHARD remembers his position and speaks with importance and decisiveness in his voice, a bit haughtily.]
PRITCHARD: Well, then, we will examine the situation and act accordingly. Timothy, please show these people the door.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[But the SHEFFERS have already moved quickly towards the door, trying to get out before PRITCHARD becomes angry. TIMOTHY shuts the door behind them and returns to his post. Pritchard paces around the room and looks out the window. He puts his hands on his head and sighs deeply, then returns to his chair.]
PRITCHARD: What did I do wrong?
TIMOTHY: Sir?
PRITCHARD: Dammit, Timothy, I take this personally. You know? I take this personally. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s dumb, but I do.
TIMOTHY: I don’t think it’s dumb, sir.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, what did I do wrong? I provide for these people. I don’t—I’m not self-serving. I always look out for their best interests. You know that, don’t you Timothy?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Of course you know it! Dammit, Timothy, you know it better than anyone! Me and you, we’re always looking at every decision from every angle trying to do what’s best by these people. So what’s this kid’s problem? Why did he run away? What could I have done.
[There is a short pause.]
TIMOTHY: I don’t know. Maybe nothing, sir.
PRITCHARD: Then why?
TIMOTHY: They said she was your daughter’s age. Perhaps it was just meaningless rebellion. A pointless assertion of individuality.
PRITCHARD: He could have done that here, Timothy! But he left.
TIMOTHY: Dairyview has been operational for more than thirty years, sir. It was bound to happen eventually, no matter how wonderful a commune you have built and maintained. And it is wonderful, sir. Look how many people stay.
[PRITCHARD ponders this for a moment. He seems to take to it, then suddenly frowns.]
PRITCHARD: They’re afraid of me, aren’t they Timothy. [TIMOTHY says nothing.] That’s all it is. They’re afraid of me.
TIMOTHY: You’ve given them no reason to be afraid of you, sir.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, is this a cult? [TIMOTHY says nothing again.] God. Sometimes I just don’t know, Timothy. Why am I in charge? What if I make a wrong decision? I mean, I try, but—
TIMOTHY: You’ve made many fine decisions, sir. Your people are happy.
PRITCHARD: And what if I make a mistake? My God, Timothy, nobody would be able to tell me I was wrong.
TIMOTHY: Sir, I would tell you if I believed you were wrong.
PRITCHARD: But what if we were both wrong, Timothy? Don’t you see? Who’s to know.
[There is a long pause. PRITCHARD stands up as if to resume pacing, but after a few seconds, sits down again.]
TIMOTHY: There’s still the matter of the boy, sir.
PRITCHARD: [weakly] Yes, the boy. Send someone out to find him.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Wait!
TIMOTHY: Sir?
PRITCHARD: Maybe we should just let him be. Maybe he’s better off.
TIMOTHY: Is that your decision, sir?
PRITCHARD: Well what do you suggest, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: I don’t know.
[There is another silence.]
PRITCHARD: Maybe he’ll come back.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, come in here!
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make my choice easier and will ensure that I come to the correct conclusion.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
[TIMOTHY exits and almost immediately reenters, no longer holding the clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Sir, we have reason to believe the press has been snooping around the commune.
PRITCHARD: Do we? What is the reason?
TIMOTHY: Well a number of the new members have been seen discretely taking notes.
PRITCHARD: Notes? With what?
TIMOTHY: With a pen and a pad, sir.
PRITCHARD: Such implements are against regulations!
TIMOTHY: I know, sir. We believe they smuggled them under their robes.
PRITCHARD: These damnable robes! Why do we wear these things anyway?
TIMOTHY: Well the reasons are twofold. Firstly, you believe that conformity breeds brotherhood, which is one of the founding principles of Dairyview. Secondly, they symbolize the purity of soul that we strive for as members of Dairyview.
PRITCHARD: That’s a fine explanation, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: I’m only reciting from the Leadership Guide that you wrote.
PRITCHARD: Well done!
TIMOTHY: And if I may, sir, I could venture a third reason.
PRITCHARD: Yes, yes, go ahead. If you truly believe you have another justification then I would love to hear it.
TIMOTHY: Thank you, sir. I was just thinking that these robes are dirt cheap.
PRITCHARD: And they are! Well done, Timothy!
TIMOTHY: Thank you, sir. But what are we to do about the press?
PRITCHARD: Expel them from the premises. But be nice about it.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. I’ll send Christoph and Madigan to do it.
PRITCHARD: Sounds fine.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately.]
TIMOTHY: Sir, we have a few concerned citizens who wish to file an informal petition with your office.
PRITCHARD: What about?
TIMOTHY: I’m not sure, sir.
PRITCHARD: Send them in.
TIMOTHY: Well there are two groups.
PRITCHARD: Two groups? Already?
TIMOTHY: That’s about the average, sir.
PRITCHARD: Is it?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I supposed you’re right as always, Timothy. Well send in the first group.
TIMOTHY: Which group should be the first group, sir?
PRITCHARD: Whichever group arrived first, I supposed.
TIMOTHY: They both arrived at the same time, sir.
PRITCHARD: At exactly the same time, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: More or less, sir.
PRITCHARD: What do you mean more or less, Timothy? Was there any discernable difference?
TIMOTHY: Presumably there was, sir, but I was detained in your office when they arrived.
PRITCHARD: Did Heller see anything?
TIMOTHY: She didn’t, sir. She was reading at the time.
PRITCHARD: And why was she reading, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: You allowed her to bring a book from the Approved Reading List to work with her because, by giving her a diversion during her many downtimes, her morale would be boosted and her output efficiency would be increased.
PRITCHARD: Sound reasoning, I’d say. Thank you Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. But there’s still the problem of the first group to attend to.
PRITCHARD: Ah, yes. We need some sort of tiebreaker, don’t we?
TIMOTHY: It would seem so, sir.
PRITCHARD: Uh huh. Well how about you take the group that is positioned closest to my door.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. That sounds like a fine idea, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately]
PRITCHARD: Where’s the first group?
TIMOTHY: There’s a problem, sir.
PRITCHARD: What’s the problem?
TIMOTHY: Well the groups are not together. They are spread across the lobby.
PRITCHARD: The lobby is small, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: I understand that, sir, but they are spread to the extent they can be spread.
PRITCHARD: Please, explain the situation to me, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Well, sir, both groups are composed of a man and a woman.
PRITCHARD: What are their relations?
TIMOTHY: You mean the relation between the two groups or the relations between the constituent members of each individual group?
PRITCHARD: Naturally the relations between the constituent members of each individual group.
TIMOTHY: I am not sure, sir. But I don’t think it has an effect on the situation at hand.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I believe you are correct, Timothy. Go on.
TIMOTHY: Well, sir, the man from one party is positioned closest to the door, followed by the woman from the other party, then the man from the same party as the aforementioned woman and then, farthest from the door is the woman who goes with the man who is closest to the door.
PRITCHARD: That is quite the situation.
TIMOTHY: Quite, sir.
PRITCHARD: I can understand how you would be unable to come to a decision based on my earlier directives alone. Nevertheless, a decision must be made. What are the names of the parties?
TIMOTHY: I’ll check, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately with a clipboard.]
PRITCHARD: Do you have an answer in reference to my earlier question regarding the names of the parties in the lobby?
TIMOTHY: No, sir.
PRITCHARD: And why not?
TIMOTHY: In the time of our conversation, a third party has entered the lobby and also wishes to file a petition.
PRITCHARD: And these people just arrived?
TIMOTHY: Just this minute, sir, a bit after the other two parties arrived several minutes ago.
PRITCHARD: Well send in the third party. We’ll worry about the other two later.
TIMOTHY: A wise choice, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately behind a man and a woman both named ALLYN, no longer holding the clipboard. The ALLYNS rush up to PRITCHARD’s desk and bow with their foreheads on the floor and their palms up by their side. PRITCHARD nods approvingly. They bow silently for about twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Thank you, you may stand up.
MR ALLYN: Thank you, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Yes, infinite thanks for your time and patience.
[The ALLYNS bow again as before and PRITCHARD waits another twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Please, stand up. I understand you would like to file a petition.
MR ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. Yes, Prophet
PRITCHARD: Well please, let me hear the details of your petition.
MRS ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. Thank you, Prophet.
MR ALLYN: We’d like to apologize in advance, Prophet. Our petition is frivolous and a waste of your important time—
PRITCHARD: [Jovially, loudly] Nonsense! [The ALLYNS cower and PRITCHARD hesitates and speaks softer.] Every concern of everyone at Dairyview is of the utmost importance to me. Nothing is more important to me, in fact.
MRS ALLYN: That is truly a testament to your benevolence, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Please, proceed.
MR ALLYN: Well, Prophet, I believe that we represent a sizable portion of Dairyview when we express our concerns regarding the glorious mess hall.
PRITCHARD: [innocuously] Is there a problem with the mess hall.
MR ALLYN: [flinching, frightened and rushed] Ah! No, no Prophet. It’s just—
MRS ALLYN: It’s just that you recently added grape juice next to the orange juice in the juice line.
MR ALLYN: A wise choice, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly! Undoubtedly! But the problem is just—with two juices—many of your acolytes are having trouble deciding.
PRITCHARD: I’m not sure I understand.
MR ALLYN: Well it’s just that your unquestionable benevolence might be—and please don’t take offense—certainly I make no pretensions to— [he struggles to stifle sobs.]
MRS ALLYN: We can’t choose, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Can’t choose? Between the juices?
MR ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. It’s difficult to decide. Both are—so good. And both are—so well-chosen.
PRITCHARD: They both have their pros and cons.
MR ALLYN: Aaah, yes, that’s true Prophet. But their pros and cons, it seems to us, are about equal, and making a decision—
PRITCHARD: It’s difficult for you.
MRS ALLYN: Yes! Yes, Prophet! Yes!
PRITCHARD: Your problem is understandable. I can sympathize quite well, in fact.
MR ALLYN: You are truly generous, Prophet. You truly, truly are.
PRITCHARD: Perhaps it would help if I produced a memorandum outlining the pros and cons as I see them.
MRS ALLYN: That would be truly helpful, Prophet.
PRITCHARD: Yes, I believe that is what I’ll do. Thank you very much for your petition.
MRS ALLYN: Prophet, if I may—
[MR ALLYN gasps in horror and begins shaking noticeably.]
PRITCHARD: Yes, of course. Go on.
MRS ALLYN: What should we drink until then?
PRITCHARD: Well let’s just go over the pros and cons right now. Timothy, perhaps you should take this down as our conclusions here may help us in shaping our memorandum.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately holding a clipboard and pen.]
PRITCHARD: Let’s begin with grape juice. The taste is stronger.
MR ALLYN: That it is.
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly!
PRITCHARD: I prefer a stronger taste. It’s more concentrated. A con though, when spilled it stains easily.
MR ALLYN: Yes, it does, Prophet.
MRS ALLYN: Unquestionably. And with these white robes—
MR ALLYN: Immaculate! Perfectly chosen!
MRS ALLYN: Undoubtedly. But their whiteness makes them easily stained.
PRITCHARD: Yes. Which unfortunately undercuts their symbolization of the purity we strive to achieve at Dairyview.
TIMOTHY: On the other hand, they are easy to replace because they are so cheap.
PRITCHARD: An excellent point, Timothy. Nevertheless, I believe that still earns a place in the Con column, don’t you?
TIMOTHY: I think that’s a wise choice, sir.
PRITCHARD: OK, then. Moving on to orange juice. It’s lighter, which is also good if you’re in the mood for a lighter beverage.
MR ALLYN: Absolutely, Prophet. Absolutely.
PRITCHARD: But orange juice does have pulp, which I don’t like.
MRS ALLYN: Actually, Prophet, this orange juice is pulp-free.
[MR ALLYN shudders and looks as if he vomits a bit in his mouth and swallows it quickly. He swoons, looking as if he might faint.]
PRITCHARD: Ah! That’s wonderful, then. I would have to recommend orange juice for the time being. At least until we release our official memorandum.
MRS ALLYN: Thank you, Prophet! Thank you for your guidance!
[They bow as before.]
PRITCHARD: Think nothing of it. And, of course, mine is only one man’s opinion. Feel free to continue drinking grape juice if you wish. Expect our memorandum within the month.
ALLYN: Yes, Prophet. We will take your wise words into advisement.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, you may show them the way out.
[TIMOTHY shows the ALLYNS the way out and returns almost immediately.]
TIMOTHY: Well decided, sir.
PRITCHARD: Thank you, Timothy. Please add the juice memorandum to our to-do list.
TIMOTHY: I’ve already done it, sir.
PRITCHARD: You’re a marvel, Timothy! Now else is there to attend to?
TIMOTHY: There are still two groups waiting for their petitions to be heard.
PRITCHARD: As I remember it, we never decided which group was to be allowed an audience first. Am I correct?
TIMOTHY: You are, sir.
PRITCHARD: So that problem needs to be attended to. You say they arrived at the same time?
TIMOTHY: More or less, sir.
PRITCHARD: Ah yes, I remember now. Well what are the names of the parties?
TIMOTHY: One is Sheffer and the other Armstrong.
PRITCHARD: Perhaps, since there seems to be no real rational reason to pick one over the other, we should use a purely arbitrary means of selection to make our decision all the easier.
TIMOTHY: What did you have in mind, sir?
PRITCHARD: Perhaps we attend to the groups in alphabetical order.
TIMOTHY: Alphabetical order?
PRITCHARD: It’s arbitrary, I know.
TIMOTHY: Once one has exhausted all the rational options, he must turn to the arbitrary.
PRITCHARD: Wise words, Timothy. I believe that is the best way to proceed. Please send in Armstrong.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[TIMOTHY exits and reenters almost immediately trailing a man and a woman both named SHEFFER. They bow for about twenty seconds.]
PRITCHARD: Thank you. You may stand. You two are Armstrong, correct?
[The man and the woman look at each other nervously.]
MRS SHEFFER: Uh—
MR SHEFFER: Yes. Yes we are, Prophet.
TIMOTHY: Actually, sir, this is the Sheffer party.
PRITCHARD: It is? But Timothy, I thought we came to the decision to let the Armstrong party in first. Based on the alphabetical order of their names.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir, that is correct. But the Armstrong party left.
PRITCHARD: I see. Well, let me hear what you two have to say.
MR SHEFFER: Well, Prophet, it’s our son, you see.
PRITCHARD: Your son?
MR SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. He’s disappeared.
PRITCHARD: Disappeared? That’s queer.
MRS SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. We’re concerned as I’m sure you understand.
PRITCHARD: Of course, of course. I have a daughter of my own.
MR SHEFFER: Yes, Prophet. Our son is about her age.
PRITCHARD: So you say he disappeared. Did you mean this literally? As in disappearing into thin air? Or perhaps he disintegrated into a mysterious mist?
MR SHEFFER: No, Prophet. Forgive me. It was merely a poorly chosen figure of speech.
PRITCHARD: No, no. I understand. So do you have any ideas where he is or might be?
MR SHEFFER: No—no, Prophet.
MRS SHEFFER: Well, uh—
MR SHEFFER: Don’t—
MRS SHEFFER: We think he may have run away and left Dairyview grounds.
[There is a weighty silence. MR SHEFFER groans as if he is expecting PRITCHARD to sentence them to death at any second. Pritchard looks shocked and hurt. TIMOTHY looks surprised as well, but does not let this fact shake him.]
PRITCHARD: Of course, anyone is free to leave at any time. Timothy?
TIMOTHY: That’s right, sir.
PRITCHARD: But no one ever has before.
TIMOTHY: That’s right, sir.
[There is another pause. Suddenly, PRITCHARD remembers his position and speaks with importance and decisiveness in his voice, a bit haughtily.]
PRITCHARD: Well, then, we will examine the situation and act accordingly. Timothy, please show these people the door.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
[But the SHEFFERS have already moved quickly towards the door, trying to get out before PRITCHARD becomes angry. TIMOTHY shuts the door behind them and returns to his post. Pritchard paces around the room and looks out the window. He puts his hands on his head and sighs deeply, then returns to his chair.]
PRITCHARD: What did I do wrong?
TIMOTHY: Sir?
PRITCHARD: Dammit, Timothy, I take this personally. You know? I take this personally. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s dumb, but I do.
TIMOTHY: I don’t think it’s dumb, sir.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, what did I do wrong? I provide for these people. I don’t—I’m not self-serving. I always look out for their best interests. You know that, don’t you Timothy?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Of course you know it! Dammit, Timothy, you know it better than anyone! Me and you, we’re always looking at every decision from every angle trying to do what’s best by these people. So what’s this kid’s problem? Why did he run away? What could I have done.
[There is a short pause.]
TIMOTHY: I don’t know. Maybe nothing, sir.
PRITCHARD: Then why?
TIMOTHY: They said she was your daughter’s age. Perhaps it was just meaningless rebellion. A pointless assertion of individuality.
PRITCHARD: He could have done that here, Timothy! But he left.
TIMOTHY: Dairyview has been operational for more than thirty years, sir. It was bound to happen eventually, no matter how wonderful a commune you have built and maintained. And it is wonderful, sir. Look how many people stay.
[PRITCHARD ponders this for a moment. He seems to take to it, then suddenly frowns.]
PRITCHARD: They’re afraid of me, aren’t they Timothy. [TIMOTHY says nothing.] That’s all it is. They’re afraid of me.
TIMOTHY: You’ve given them no reason to be afraid of you, sir.
PRITCHARD: Timothy, is this a cult? [TIMOTHY says nothing again.] God. Sometimes I just don’t know, Timothy. Why am I in charge? What if I make a wrong decision? I mean, I try, but—
TIMOTHY: You’ve made many fine decisions, sir. Your people are happy.
PRITCHARD: And what if I make a mistake? My God, Timothy, nobody would be able to tell me I was wrong.
TIMOTHY: Sir, I would tell you if I believed you were wrong.
PRITCHARD: But what if we were both wrong, Timothy? Don’t you see? Who’s to know.
[There is a long pause. PRITCHARD stands up as if to resume pacing, but after a few seconds, sits down again.]
TIMOTHY: There’s still the matter of the boy, sir.
PRITCHARD: [weakly] Yes, the boy. Send someone out to find him.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: Wait!
TIMOTHY: Sir?
PRITCHARD: Maybe we should just let him be. Maybe he’s better off.
TIMOTHY: Is that your decision, sir?
PRITCHARD: Well what do you suggest, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: I don’t know.
[There is another silence.]
PRITCHARD: Maybe he’ll come back.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
I think Jack Nicholson hires a private camera crew to follow him around when he sits in the front rows of things
No I'm not watching this boring show.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Insight: Boston
[Yes, BUTV10 is finally working, but you will never ever see this on TV. INSIDE JOKE AHOY!]
CHRISTIAN
We’ve decided that to foster a sense of togetherness across our network, we’re going to do some cross-programming with other shows on BUTV10. So tonight, we’re airing a report from a correspondent from BUTV’s newsmagazine show Insight: Boston. So we have a story on a little kitten living in Boston Commons. Let’s go to Maryanne Helmsley in Boston Commons. Maryanne?
CUT TO
MARYANNE in the park. She speaks into the microphone, but all we hear is incoherent screaming. She walks awkwardly towards the camera one step at a time, as if she is wearing high heels even though she is only wearing sneakers. She almost trips and throws her arm out wildly to one side to regain her balance, then takes more tentative steps towards the camera.
CUT TO
Stock footage of kittens playing, with the voice of MARYANNE still screaming incoherently over the footage.
CUT TO
MARYANNE interviewing someone in the park. She asks him something and he responds, but his voice is just the sound of a vacuum cleaner.
CUT TO
More stock footage of a kitten playing.
CUT TO
Suddenly, four seconds of blue screen and silence, then directly back to the kitten.
CUT TO
MARYANNE joylessly twirling and spinning an umbrella on top of a park bench, over her voice again.
CUT TO
MARYANNE interviewing someone else. Her voice is as before and when the person she is interviewing responds, his voice is the sound of heavy industrial machinery clanking and screeching. Maryanne says something else and her voice becomes the sound of a nuclear explosion.
CUT TO
MARYANNE speaking, her voice now a cacophony of all the horrible noises we’ve heard, stepping out of a giant top hat wearing a fake moustache.
CUT TO
CHRISTIAN at his desk.
CHRISTIAN
Uh, thank you, Maryanne. Well we have Maryanne here in the studio, why don’t you tell us—uh—did you have fun filing this report?
CUT TO
MARYANNE, now in a studio, speaking as before, her voice an incoherent howl.
CHRISTIAN
Thanks, we’ll be right back.
CHRISTIAN
We’ve decided that to foster a sense of togetherness across our network, we’re going to do some cross-programming with other shows on BUTV10. So tonight, we’re airing a report from a correspondent from BUTV’s newsmagazine show Insight: Boston. So we have a story on a little kitten living in Boston Commons. Let’s go to Maryanne Helmsley in Boston Commons. Maryanne?
CUT TO
MARYANNE in the park. She speaks into the microphone, but all we hear is incoherent screaming. She walks awkwardly towards the camera one step at a time, as if she is wearing high heels even though she is only wearing sneakers. She almost trips and throws her arm out wildly to one side to regain her balance, then takes more tentative steps towards the camera.
CUT TO
Stock footage of kittens playing, with the voice of MARYANNE still screaming incoherently over the footage.
CUT TO
MARYANNE interviewing someone in the park. She asks him something and he responds, but his voice is just the sound of a vacuum cleaner.
CUT TO
More stock footage of a kitten playing.
CUT TO
Suddenly, four seconds of blue screen and silence, then directly back to the kitten.
CUT TO
MARYANNE joylessly twirling and spinning an umbrella on top of a park bench, over her voice again.
CUT TO
MARYANNE interviewing someone else. Her voice is as before and when the person she is interviewing responds, his voice is the sound of heavy industrial machinery clanking and screeching. Maryanne says something else and her voice becomes the sound of a nuclear explosion.
CUT TO
MARYANNE speaking, her voice now a cacophony of all the horrible noises we’ve heard, stepping out of a giant top hat wearing a fake moustache.
CUT TO
CHRISTIAN at his desk.
CHRISTIAN
Uh, thank you, Maryanne. Well we have Maryanne here in the studio, why don’t you tell us—uh—did you have fun filing this report?
CUT TO
MARYANNE, now in a studio, speaking as before, her voice an incoherent howl.
CHRISTIAN
Thanks, we’ll be right back.
Friday, February 24, 2006
A response from Congresswoman Nancy Johnson
Remember this shrink ray post from January? Yeah, me neither. Well I just checked my standard fake email address and saw that Rep. Johnson responded to my concerns about shrink ray technology as outlined in an email I sent to her as part of the post. Here's her response in full:
February 13, 2006
Mr. Boxley Fryer
14 Sawmill Rd
Burlington, CT 06013-1600
Dear Mr. Fryer:
Thank you for contacting me regarding the Deficit Reduction Act. I appreciate hearing your concerns about the budget package and welcome the opportunity to respond.
Connecticut families are expected to live within their means, and so must the federal government. Yet in the last four years, our federal budget has grown by 33 percent, representing the largest spending increase since the Cold War ended. The result is a federal deficit that topped $318 billion in 2005.
The terrorist attacks of 2001, increased border security, Hurricane Katrina, and the war in Iraq and Afghanistan all have contributed to this spending increase. Judicious tax cuts to spur investment and allow families to keep more of what they earn have strengthened the economy and returned revenues to their pre-9/11 level.
But our ballooning federal deficit threatens not only our financial health but our quality of life. Growth in spending must be slowed if we are to fulfill our obligations today and not pass on crushing, debilitating debt to our children and grandchildren. Taxpayers are asking if Congress has the resolve to make responsible choices with their tax dollars.
On Dec. 19, 2005, Congress passed, with my support, a responsible deficit reduction bill. It curbs spending by one-tenth of 1 percent of the entire federal budget over the next five years. It accomplishes this goal by ensuring Medicare and Medicaid provide the health care people need while eliminating overpayment and more effectively preventing fraud. The bill saves money for taxpayers by auctioning antiquated airwave frequencies, reducing farm subsidies and curbing the profits of financial institutions that provide government-guaranteed student loans.
Yet even these responsible measures are being vigorously opposed by special interests who consistently push for higher spending, regardless of its negative effects on the deficit, and wrongly claim needy Americans will be denied health care and higher education. I have listened carefully to many of these groups who have brought their concerns to me. I have deep respect for their concerns. I share their conviction that protecting our public safety-net programs to assure support for those in need is our responsibility. I simply disagree with their conclusions that the modest, responsible steps taken in December will harm ordinary Americans.
In fact, just the opposite is true. It makes key investments in Connecticut's priorities, including:
$3.7 billion in new college grant programs for low-income students, especially those studying math, science and engineering.
• $1 billion in new child-care funding to help working mothers regain their independence as part of a five-year reauthorization of the federal welfare program.
• $1 billion in new grants to improve emergency communications for first responders.
• $5.9 billion worth of college loan funds will go to help students, not boost lender profits, through lower student fees and higher borrowing limits.
• $1 billion in assistance to help low-income families pay winter heating bills.
The bill will also strengthen the state-federal Medicaid program, a critical health safety net for low-income families. The rising costs and inefficiency of the Medicaid program threatens to swamp state budgets and leave uninsured families without health care. The Medicaid reforms in the Deficit Reduction Act were proposed and unanimously endorsed by all 50 Democratic and Republican governors, as well as The Courant and The New York Times, because without them needy families and children will truly face a health care crisis.
An earlier version of the Deficit Reduction Act would have cut food stamps by $800 million and curtailed student loan programs. Additionally, it would have also opened the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil and gas exploration, threatening this pristine wilderness while doing nothing to bring down the cost of gasoline. I worked hard to rid the legislation of these onerous proposals.
The need to rein in spending and reduce the deficit is clear. Now, with the economy stable, new costs more predictable and the burden of entitlement growth clear, we must adopt reforms to help us back to a balanced budget both for our well-being and for our children's sake. The Deficit Reduction Act takes important yet modest steps to demonstrate our resolve to make responsible choices with taxpayers' hard-earned money. Thank you again for contacting me.
Very truly yours,
Nancy L. Johnson
Member of Congress
| From: nancy.johnson@housemail.house.gov | Mailed-By: housemail.house.gov |
To: boxleyfryer@gmail.com
Date: Feb 13, 2006 3:55 PM
Subject: A Message from Congresswoman Nancy Johnson
Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Report phishing | Show original | Message text garbled?
February 13, 2006
Mr. Boxley Fryer
14 Sawmill Rd
Burlington, CT 06013-1600
Dear Mr. Fryer:
Thank you for contacting me regarding the Deficit Reduction Act. I appreciate hearing your concerns about the budget package and welcome the opportunity to respond.
Connecticut families are expected to live within their means, and so must the federal government. Yet in the last four years, our federal budget has grown by 33 percent, representing the largest spending increase since the Cold War ended. The result is a federal deficit that topped $318 billion in 2005.
The terrorist attacks of 2001, increased border security, Hurricane Katrina, and the war in Iraq and Afghanistan all have contributed to this spending increase. Judicious tax cuts to spur investment and allow families to keep more of what they earn have strengthened the economy and returned revenues to their pre-9/11 level.
But our ballooning federal deficit threatens not only our financial health but our quality of life. Growth in spending must be slowed if we are to fulfill our obligations today and not pass on crushing, debilitating debt to our children and grandchildren. Taxpayers are asking if Congress has the resolve to make responsible choices with their tax dollars.
On Dec. 19, 2005, Congress passed, with my support, a responsible deficit reduction bill. It curbs spending by one-tenth of 1 percent of the entire federal budget over the next five years. It accomplishes this goal by ensuring Medicare and Medicaid provide the health care people need while eliminating overpayment and more effectively preventing fraud. The bill saves money for taxpayers by auctioning antiquated airwave frequencies, reducing farm subsidies and curbing the profits of financial institutions that provide government-guaranteed student loans.
Yet even these responsible measures are being vigorously opposed by special interests who consistently push for higher spending, regardless of its negative effects on the deficit, and wrongly claim needy Americans will be denied health care and higher education. I have listened carefully to many of these groups who have brought their concerns to me. I have deep respect for their concerns. I share their conviction that protecting our public safety-net programs to assure support for those in need is our responsibility. I simply disagree with their conclusions that the modest, responsible steps taken in December will harm ordinary Americans.
In fact, just the opposite is true. It makes key investments in Connecticut's priorities, including:
$3.7 billion in new college grant programs for low-income students, especially those studying math, science and engineering.
• $1 billion in new child-care funding to help working mothers regain their independence as part of a five-year reauthorization of the federal welfare program.
• $1 billion in new grants to improve emergency communications for first responders.
• $5.9 billion worth of college loan funds will go to help students, not boost lender profits, through lower student fees and higher borrowing limits.
• $1 billion in assistance to help low-income families pay winter heating bills.
The bill will also strengthen the state-federal Medicaid program, a critical health safety net for low-income families. The rising costs and inefficiency of the Medicaid program threatens to swamp state budgets and leave uninsured families without health care. The Medicaid reforms in the Deficit Reduction Act were proposed and unanimously endorsed by all 50 Democratic and Republican governors, as well as The Courant and The New York Times, because without them needy families and children will truly face a health care crisis.
An earlier version of the Deficit Reduction Act would have cut food stamps by $800 million and curtailed student loan programs. Additionally, it would have also opened the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil and gas exploration, threatening this pristine wilderness while doing nothing to bring down the cost of gasoline. I worked hard to rid the legislation of these onerous proposals.
The need to rein in spending and reduce the deficit is clear. Now, with the economy stable, new costs more predictable and the burden of entitlement growth clear, we must adopt reforms to help us back to a balanced budget both for our well-being and for our children's sake. The Deficit Reduction Act takes important yet modest steps to demonstrate our resolve to make responsible choices with taxpayers' hard-earned money. Thank you again for contacting me.
Very truly yours,
Nancy L. Johnson
Member of Congress
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
BUTV
Holy God, it's finally working. Check out the official site for a schedule and the BU Tonight home page.
Am currently watching a film about a girl who got eaten by a fish. This very instant, there is a girl screaming very loud. Oh. The fish just exploded. This is my new favorite channel.
(PS, BU Tonight is on at 10 and 12 tonight and while we're here, don't forget to come to Hillel House tomorrow night for standup comedy)
Am currently watching a film about a girl who got eaten by a fish. This very instant, there is a girl screaming very loud. Oh. The fish just exploded. This is my new favorite channel.
(PS, BU Tonight is on at 10 and 12 tonight and while we're here, don't forget to come to Hillel House tomorrow night for standup comedy)
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Kevin Costner to Oliver Stone upon first reading the line "We're through the looking glass here, people" in the "JFK" screenplay
The fuck does this mean. "Looking glass?" Those aren't--that's not a thing people use--or say. The fuck is--looking glass? I've never--I don't know what that is.
And through--the glass? Through it? How is that--are we talking ghosts through solid objects or just like--opening a window and walking--but like, again, looking glass, I don't--.
Is the glass looking? Through the looking glass? Through the glass which is looking? Like a personification thing or--did you mean looking glasses? Looking glasses? But still, through the glasses, I don't--
The through, I think it's the through that's throwing me mostly. Through--glass--but looking glass too, that's--did you mean--"we're looking through the glass here, people." Now that--that makes sense to me. Like we're here. Looking through glass. There's no movement, not going--through anything, but I'm still not clear why--why that was there at all. But like we're here. And the glass is there. Just--glass. And we're--looking through, at other people. "We're looking through the glass--at people, here--people." See that makes much more sense to me.
And through--the glass? Through it? How is that--are we talking ghosts through solid objects or just like--opening a window and walking--but like, again, looking glass, I don't--.
Is the glass looking? Through the looking glass? Through the glass which is looking? Like a personification thing or--did you mean looking glasses? Looking glasses? But still, through the glasses, I don't--
The through, I think it's the through that's throwing me mostly. Through--glass--but looking glass too, that's--did you mean--"we're looking through the glass here, people." Now that--that makes sense to me. Like we're here. Looking through glass. There's no movement, not going--through anything, but I'm still not clear why--why that was there at all. But like we're here. And the glass is there. Just--glass. And we're--looking through, at other people. "We're looking through the glass--at people, here--people." See that makes much more sense to me.
Friday, February 17, 2006
STAND UP
WHERE: Hillel House, 213 Bay State Road
WHEN: Thurs. Feb. 23, 8-9:30 PM
WHO ELSE: Myq Kaplan, Sol Azouz, Rob Turbovsky, possibly others
But Chris! I have a paper due the next day!
Oh, really? Perhaps you are in my contemporary American fiction class. Sit next to me next time. In the meantime, suck it up.
WHEN: Thurs. Feb. 23, 8-9:30 PM
WHO ELSE: Myq Kaplan, Sol Azouz, Rob Turbovsky, possibly others
But Chris! I have a paper due the next day!
Oh, really? Perhaps you are in my contemporary American fiction class. Sit next to me next time. In the meantime, suck it up.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
MY [SHOW] IS BETTER THAN YOUR [SHOW] WE'VE GOT MORE [JOKE]S THAN A [JOKE] CONVENTION SING IT
The long national nightmare is over*: BUTV (or Terriervision 10 or something) is launching*. If you are living on the BU campus, buy a TV, plug it into the cable jack in your wall and get ready for some student-produced television like you've never seen before.
Channel 10 on the BU cable system has gone through some huge changes since I came here two and a half years ago. Sure, now it's a static logo with a tantalizing "Coming soon..." promise, but it wasn't too long ago that the channel was a bouncing cow, an empty black screen and nonexistent because only one of the dorms had cable capabilities (yes, outsiders, most of BU really didn't have cable when I got here). But starting Feb. 22*, we will finally have some real, honest-to-God programming to show you*.
Like what, you ask?
BU Tonight, of course. What is BU Tonight, you ask? It's a late-night comedy show (in format at least; presumably the channel will not only air the show at night as it doesn't really have that much to work with) whose writing staff include little ol' me. For a taste of the show, look at these. Here, you've got a trailer for the show, a sketch from first semester about writing jokes that I had little if anything to do with and another sketch that host Christian and I wrote the bulk of while terribly bitter that an improv group we had opened for was doing so well (regular readers may remember an early version of the script from December). And somehow I got roped into acting in that one too, but what are you gonna do. Anyway, the video is bound to make you laugh and say to yourself "My God, he really is thin, you don't really notice it in real life, but it's all right there on video."
(And while perusing Google Video, now's as good a time as any to see all the other Shrimp Products video selections, and as of 11:00 on Feb. 15, 2006, Scottywood rapping still never gets old, and also I need a lot of help to vault Ridgeway in views; within a day of being up his videos were already completely dominating me to the point where I'm considering changing my descriptions to make people think they're going to watch a five-plus minute video of Pac-Man playing the harmonica)
So anyway, be on the lookout for BU Tonight and whatever the hell else this station's got cooking when it finally launches* on Feb. 23*.
*fingerscrossedknockonwoodohmygodithinkit'sforrealthistimebuti'vebeenthroughthisbeforebutohmygoditjusthastoberealthistimesoohpleaseohpleaseohplease
Channel 10 on the BU cable system has gone through some huge changes since I came here two and a half years ago. Sure, now it's a static logo with a tantalizing "Coming soon..." promise, but it wasn't too long ago that the channel was a bouncing cow, an empty black screen and nonexistent because only one of the dorms had cable capabilities (yes, outsiders, most of BU really didn't have cable when I got here). But starting Feb. 22*, we will finally have some real, honest-to-God programming to show you*.
Like what, you ask?
BU Tonight, of course. What is BU Tonight, you ask? It's a late-night comedy show (in format at least; presumably the channel will not only air the show at night as it doesn't really have that much to work with) whose writing staff include little ol' me. For a taste of the show, look at these. Here, you've got a trailer for the show, a sketch from first semester about writing jokes that I had little if anything to do with and another sketch that host Christian and I wrote the bulk of while terribly bitter that an improv group we had opened for was doing so well (regular readers may remember an early version of the script from December). And somehow I got roped into acting in that one too, but what are you gonna do. Anyway, the video is bound to make you laugh and say to yourself "My God, he really is thin, you don't really notice it in real life, but it's all right there on video."
(And while perusing Google Video, now's as good a time as any to see all the other Shrimp Products video selections, and as of 11:00 on Feb. 15, 2006, Scottywood rapping still never gets old, and also I need a lot of help to vault Ridgeway in views; within a day of being up his videos were already completely dominating me to the point where I'm considering changing my descriptions to make people think they're going to watch a five-plus minute video of Pac-Man playing the harmonica)
So anyway, be on the lookout for BU Tonight and whatever the hell else this station's got cooking when it finally launches* on Feb. 23*.
*fingerscrossedknockonwoodohmygodithinkit'sforrealthistimebuti'vebeenthroughthisbeforebutohmygoditjusthastoberealthistimesoohpleaseohpleaseohplease
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Concussed
“I think I might have a concussion.”
“Uh huh. And why do you think that?”
“Well I was juggling and I tripped and fell and smacked my head against the wall.”
“Uh huh.”
“And I didn’t think too much of it at the time, and I went to dinner and a few hours after that, I threw up. And I know that’s a sign of concussion, so right after that I called you.”
“Well that is a sign of concussion. Perhaps—”
“But the thing is I had some oysters for dinner.”
“Oysters, I’m not sure I—”
“Well they were pretty bad. They smelled terrible. So I don’t know if that’s why I threw up or—”
“I see. Well there are other ways to tell if you have had a concussion. Have you had any memory loss?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Or dizziness?”
“No. Although is it possible I was dizzy but just forgot on account of the memory loss caused by my concussion?”
“I suppose. Why don’t you come down to the clinic and we’ll check you out.”
“OK. Wait. I don’t know where your clinic is. Oh God. I forgot where the clinic is. I have a concussion.”
“Have you ever been to our clinic before?”
“I don’t know! Don’t you see? My whole world has been overturned! For all I know I could have already visited your clinic about my concussion! Maybe I didn’t even have a concussion and I simply forgot the fact that I didn’t have a concussion because—uh—”
“Sir, why don’t you just come down to the clinic. We’re on St. Mary’s Street right by the driving school.”
“OK. Thank you.”
“Uh huh. And why do you think that?”
“Well I was juggling and I tripped and fell and smacked my head against the wall.”
“Uh huh.”
“And I didn’t think too much of it at the time, and I went to dinner and a few hours after that, I threw up. And I know that’s a sign of concussion, so right after that I called you.”
“Well that is a sign of concussion. Perhaps—”
“But the thing is I had some oysters for dinner.”
“Oysters, I’m not sure I—”
“Well they were pretty bad. They smelled terrible. So I don’t know if that’s why I threw up or—”
“I see. Well there are other ways to tell if you have had a concussion. Have you had any memory loss?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Or dizziness?”
“No. Although is it possible I was dizzy but just forgot on account of the memory loss caused by my concussion?”
“I suppose. Why don’t you come down to the clinic and we’ll check you out.”
“OK. Wait. I don’t know where your clinic is. Oh God. I forgot where the clinic is. I have a concussion.”
“Have you ever been to our clinic before?”
“I don’t know! Don’t you see? My whole world has been overturned! For all I know I could have already visited your clinic about my concussion! Maybe I didn’t even have a concussion and I simply forgot the fact that I didn’t have a concussion because—uh—”
“Sir, why don’t you just come down to the clinic. We’re on St. Mary’s Street right by the driving school.”
“OK. Thank you.”
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Honest Abe
CHRISTIAN
Tonight’s a very special show for us here at BU Tonight. This marks our 200th anniversary. Thanks. So to celebrate 200 years of late night comedy, we decided to dip into our vaults and show you one of the clips that we’re most proud of in the history of the show. Here’s a little something from 1862.
CUT TO
CHRISTIAN, with a Civil War moustache, sitting across from ABRAHAM LINCOLN, wearing his trademark stovepipe hat.
CHRISTIAN
The South wants to secede. Why are you fighting so hard to keep the Union together?
LINCOLN
Well, Christian, the strength of both the northern and southern states depends on our staying together. I truly believe that a house divided against itself cannot stand.
CHRISTIAN
Mmm hmm. That’s a nice hat.
LINCOLN
(laughing sheepishly)
Well thank you.
CHRISTIAN
I’ve never seen you without it. It’s kind of your trademark.
LINCOLN
I guess so.
CHRISTIAN
Can I try it on?
LINCOLN
I—I don’t think so.
CHRISTIAN
Why not? Just for a second.
LINCOLN
I said no!
There is a struggle for the hat. Finally, CHRISTIAN pulls off the hat, revealing a second head on top of LINCOLN’s.
CHRISTIAN
Oh my God! There’s another head in there!
HEAD
(panting)
Ah! Aaah! Emancipation!
LINCOLN
Give me that hat!
HEAD
Long live the Confederacy! Jefferson Davis for President!
LINCOLN
(swatting at the head, trying to shut it up)
Quiet! You’ll ruin everything!
HEAD
Robert E. Lee is an American hero! Lincoln’s a queer!
LINCOLN
I am not! Stop!
HEAD
(starting to lean to one side)
I’m tilting. I’m tilting. Help me.
LINCOLN’s body starts to sway along with the head. Lincoln falls over, out of his chair. CHRISTIAN helps him up, balancing the head.
LINCOLN
I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! As soon as I suspend habeas corpus I’m coming after you, Lynch.
HEAD
Mary Todd’s a Confederate spy!
Tonight’s a very special show for us here at BU Tonight. This marks our 200th anniversary. Thanks. So to celebrate 200 years of late night comedy, we decided to dip into our vaults and show you one of the clips that we’re most proud of in the history of the show. Here’s a little something from 1862.
CUT TO
CHRISTIAN, with a Civil War moustache, sitting across from ABRAHAM LINCOLN, wearing his trademark stovepipe hat.
CHRISTIAN
The South wants to secede. Why are you fighting so hard to keep the Union together?
LINCOLN
Well, Christian, the strength of both the northern and southern states depends on our staying together. I truly believe that a house divided against itself cannot stand.
CHRISTIAN
Mmm hmm. That’s a nice hat.
LINCOLN
(laughing sheepishly)
Well thank you.
CHRISTIAN
I’ve never seen you without it. It’s kind of your trademark.
LINCOLN
I guess so.
CHRISTIAN
Can I try it on?
LINCOLN
I—I don’t think so.
CHRISTIAN
Why not? Just for a second.
LINCOLN
I said no!
There is a struggle for the hat. Finally, CHRISTIAN pulls off the hat, revealing a second head on top of LINCOLN’s.
CHRISTIAN
Oh my God! There’s another head in there!
HEAD
(panting)
Ah! Aaah! Emancipation!
LINCOLN
Give me that hat!
HEAD
Long live the Confederacy! Jefferson Davis for President!
LINCOLN
(swatting at the head, trying to shut it up)
Quiet! You’ll ruin everything!
HEAD
Robert E. Lee is an American hero! Lincoln’s a queer!
LINCOLN
I am not! Stop!
HEAD
(starting to lean to one side)
I’m tilting. I’m tilting. Help me.
LINCOLN’s body starts to sway along with the head. Lincoln falls over, out of his chair. CHRISTIAN helps him up, balancing the head.
LINCOLN
I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! As soon as I suspend habeas corpus I’m coming after you, Lynch.
HEAD
Mary Todd’s a Confederate spy!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Clippers
PRITCHARD: Timothy, come in here!
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns, also at top speed, almost immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make the decision easier and will ensure that I make the best decision.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I need some nail clippers.
TIMOTHY: To clip your nails, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes, they’re getting a bit long and I think it’s time for a clipping. Where do we keep the clippers?
TIMOTHY: I’ll bring them right to you, sir.
PRITCHARD: That should be fine.
[TIMOTHY sprints offstage at top speed and returns, also at top speed, almost immediately, holding two pairs of clippers.]
TIMOTHY: Here you are, sir. There are two pairs here for you to choose from.
PRITCHARD: Two pairs? Well how am I supposed to choose?
TIMOTHY: Whichever one you’d like, sir.
PRITCHARD: Are they identical?
TIMOTHY: Almost. I don’t think it would matter much either way which one you chose to tell you the truth.
PRITCHARD: Mmm hmm. Now you said they were almost identical—is that correct?
TIMOTHY: Yes. Their design appears to be the same.
PRITCHARD: Well what is this difference? I only ask because I need something on which to base my decision, and any difference will help make the decision easier and will ensure that I make the best decision.
TIMOTHY: I understand. The only difference I can see is that this one says “Mexico” and this one says “Made in Korea.”
PRITCHARD: The first one says “Made in Mexico?” Or just “Mexico?”
TIMOTHY: Just “Mexico,” sir. But the second one says “Made in Korea” in full.
PRITCHARD: I suppose the inclusion or exclusion of the “Made in” doesn’t make much of a difference. Although if it was a significantly large “Made in,” it could affect the overall feel and design of the clippers. Does the “Made in” appear large enough to affect the clipping itself, Timothy?
TIMOTHY: If there is a difference, it’s only negligible, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. I suppose the decision then comes down to the country itself. Korea and Mexico did you say?
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir.
PRITCHARD: I see. In that case, I’m going to have to choose Korea.
TIMOTHY: Because they’re manicurists, sir?
PRITCHARD: Yes. Very good, Timothy. Bring over the Korean clippers, please.
TIMOTHY: Yes, sir. Here you are, sir. Shall I dispose of the Mexican clippers?
PRITCHARD: No, we’d better hold on to those. Perhaps we can barter them later in town.
TIMOTHY: I’ll put them back in the drawer, sir. But in the lower drawer so we don’t get confused.
PRITCHARD: An excellent idea, Timothy.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Written in my notebook, approx. 5:04 PM
Last words of one about to be executed, to his executioner:
"I boned your daughter"
"I boned your daughter"
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Answers found on fraternity tests (or why you should make sure you have all your paperwork with you before you leave a public conference room)
In your own words, please explain the meaning of brotherhood.
Brotherhood is a special link among men. Men in a brotherhood look out for one another, like the man in the Bridge Builder. Brothers share a deep commradery where no matter what you do, you will always have the brotherhood there for you.
Like the name implies, the link among men in a brotherhood is similar to the link shared in a family. Brothers will help each other out; brothers will have arguments and fights; brothers hid nothing from each other.
-Nathaniel Steiger
Why do you want to be a part of this fraternity?
I want to be in this fraternity because it is now my home on campus. The brothers are my family, I look out for them and they look out for me. I could not see my life without them, they make me laugh, encourage me to exceed in school and life, and they have helped me (in one semester) to become a better person. I love every one of the brothers of T. E. Phi, they are now my family, and hopefully always will be.
-John (Nipples) Rankim
Brotherhood is a special link among men. Men in a brotherhood look out for one another, like the man in the Bridge Builder. Brothers share a deep commradery where no matter what you do, you will always have the brotherhood there for you.
Like the name implies, the link among men in a brotherhood is similar to the link shared in a family. Brothers will help each other out; brothers will have arguments and fights; brothers hid nothing from each other.
-Nathaniel Steiger
Why do you want to be a part of this fraternity?
I want to be in this fraternity because it is now my home on campus. The brothers are my family, I look out for them and they look out for me. I could not see my life without them, they make me laugh, encourage me to exceed in school and life, and they have helped me (in one semester) to become a better person. I love every one of the brothers of T. E. Phi, they are now my family, and hopefully always will be.
-John (Nipples) Rankim
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)