Best of Jul. 2005

The Juice
Nothing like OJ Simpson jokes to keep on the cutting edge of comedy.
Money line: I tell you who I wouldn't feel safe around. Jesus. Because nobody would ever suspect Jesus.

The Crash (based on a dream by Jesse)
I guess it's not really a dream by Jesse so much as it's a dream of Jesse. Or to Jesse. Or something.
Money line: “Do I know you?” Jesse asked. The man looked at him coldly.

“No. You probably just hit your head, you’re probably confused.” The man suddenly winced in pain. Jesse looked down at his leg and saw blood trickling from his leg. Jesse looked at him, worried. The man struck a defiant look, ignoring the pain. Suddenly, like a flash, Jesse remembered where he had seen the man.

“You’re Denzel Washington.”

The Chris Sartinsky Memoirs: Chapter One: Anecdotes on Birth and Early Childhood
Every word a true one.
Money line: I also had an astute grasp of distance and time which, like my skill with numbers, I only used when I absolutely had to. When my mother tried to convince me that it was too far to go to the science museum because it would take all day to get there and by the time we got there it would be closed, I told her that the science museum was only fifteen minutes away and, if we took the highway, we could get there before lunch and spend the entire day at the museum. I wielded this power with such precision that my bimonthly trips to the science museum soon became weekly trips until I dragged the woman to the museum twice daily on weekdays and three times on Saturday. My parents finally put a stop to this by buying an apartment two blocks away from the science museum, though they told me we had moved hours away. I believed them. My sense of direction remained unrefined.

The Chris Sartinsky Memoirs: Chapter Two: My Earliest Memories and Preschool
Existentialist in a way.
Money line: In winter, I acted out, seeking the refuge of the Time-Out Zone. As soon as my mother dropped me off in the morning, I would rush towards the nearest administrator and try and bite their shin or punch their thigh before another student rushed me and knocked me flat with a football tackle or clothesline.

Complete July Archives:
0626-0702
0703-0709
0710-0716
0717-0723
0724-0730
0731-0806