NGW Post O' the Day

This is the top post on the NGW RP Forums as of right now.

Food,Rides and Livestock OH MY!

by Benjamin Williams

( Scene opens to Benjamin Williams and his two best friends Tey and Leroy walking in the front gate at the Maryland State Fair, they take a few steps and a guy in a red apron runs up and snaps their picture and tells them they can cash it in afterwards and get the picture to savor the memory, they ignore him and keep walking, a few people recognize Williams but no one approaches him, they continue walking and finally come to a large stable looking building that has "Livestock show" written on the front banner, they all look at it for a second before finally Williams shrugs his shoulders and walks in, they walk by some pigs and then finally reach some goats, they all stand there a second and then Leroy sticks his hand in the cage to pet the goat) [That was some sentence]

Leroy: hey there fella...how are yo...

( Right as Leroy is finishing the sentence the goat rears it's head back and spits in Leroy's face, Williams and Tey start cracking up in laughter as Leroy starts yelling beligerantly at the goat and wiping his face off)

Leroy: I thought only Lama's spit at people...DAMNIT...that is the grossest fucking smell and taste ever...GOD...that was terrible...can we leave? [I thought only Tibetan religious leaders spit at people!]

(Just as Leroy finishes that sentence the goat spits on his leg, Leroy yells out an obsenity laced rant and then walks off cussing as Williams and Tey stand there cracking up, after they finish they walk off to find leroy, they finally find him talking with a girl, the girl has two teeth in her front top and a few on the bottom, the two are position fairly far apart)

Williams: hey Leroy...hi 7-10

Girl: 7-10?

Williams: the split between your teeth

Girl: jerk

Williams:like that's a new discovery, c'mon Leroy we're going to get some all day bands for the rides [Wrestlers are so cool]

Leroy: nice meeting you

Tey: he's lying

Williams: yeah definitely lying...see ya 7-10

(The guys walk off and reach the ticket booth, they all get the all day bands and then proceed to get on some of the rides, after the first few they all sit down)

Williams: I hate the spinning rides, they make me feel all queasy

Tey: I think I'm gonna die

Leroy: bitches [More proof that Dave Chappelle has had a negative effect on society. To his credit, I think he knows it.]

Williams: sorry that my head doesn';t like being spun around a million times

Leroy: I forgive you, let's get on that one

Williams: oh good can we?

Tey: yeah I'm definitely gonna die

Leroy: ok well wait until we get off

(the guys get on the ride and while Leroy appears to be having the time of his life the other two are closing their eyes and holding onto the handles of the ride, finally it ends and they get off and walk back down onto ground level)

Leroy: that was AWESOME!

Williams : you sick twisted little man

Tey: (mumbling incoherently)

Williams: god I feel so sick to my stomach, but that's ok..it'll be something like the butterflies going through the stomach's of all the competitors that are involved in the quarter,semi's and final's of tomorrow's show. [Nice segue. I bet you were wondering what this had to do with wrestling, too.] Butterflies are normal guys, so go ahead and let them flutter away, let them make you go crazy, go ahead and puke if you want, but when you see me standing acrossed the ring from you, the butterflies will leave you, you'll see the look in my eyes, you'll see my determination...you'll see what I'm all about, and the butterflies will
magically disappear because your heart will tell you what I've been saying for a few days now. This is my time, not yours. This is my event, not yours. That is MY gold medal, not yours. It's my number one contendership, not yours. So don't worry about it, just walk out, look pretty...and do your best not to shit your pants from the impact of my Burning Hammer, the reverse dvd for those of you that are uneducated. [The Burning Hammer, for those of you who aren't educated in fake wrestling moves, is a reverse Digital Versitile Disc.]


Leroy: enough jibber jabber, more rides bitches!

Williams: I'm done man, I gotta stay fresh for tomorrow and stop before I actually get sick

Leroy: Tey?

(Tey stands up and walks over to where Leroy and Ben are standing and wipes some sweat off his brow, he looks at Leroy and opens his mouth to speak and a split second later makes a gurgling noise and then pukes right into Leroy's face, Leroy falls backwars onto the ground freaking out trying to get the puke out of his eyes while Williams takes a step backwards and falls to the ground laughing, Tey sits down next to Leroy) [I think we can all agree there's nothing funnier than fake wrestlers puking in each other's faces.]

Tey: shit dude I'm really sorry about that

Leroy: SORRY?...SORRY!!!

Tey: but hey at least you got a free meal

Leroy: I HATE YOU

Tey: it's ok walk it off

(Williams stands up and walks over to a lemonade stand [Lemonade? Can you get any wimpier?] while the other two continue to bicker as leroy wipes more puke off his face, Williams stands there watching on and then looks out into the distance and tips his glasses down the bridge of his nose, he takes a deep breath and then releases it and nods [Taking a sip of his pink lemonade through his Krazy Straw])

This post will change the way you eat lunch forever

A couple months ago, I was watching the news. It was about time to go to commercial, and they played a teaser I found quite interesting.

"Coming up on the News at 10, we have a report that will change the way you eat lunch forever."

And then the power went out. It stayed out for some time.

So I was left there alone in the dark to contemplate on my own how this report would have changed the way I ate lunch forever.

Had nutritionists discovered that eating lunch via osmosis was healthier and more pleasurable than ingesting food orally?

Had somebody invented anti-gravity boots?

But even if these were the answers, it seems like those would change the way we lived our entire lives, not just lunch. What could it be? What could it possibly be?

I mean, they already have peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Did they get the bread in there too?

Meanwhile, I'm eating lunch the same way today as I ever have. What am I missing? I can only imagine what people say about me when I leave the room.

"Pph. Look at that idiot. Ingesting his food orally. On the ground."

A Fish Named Rimmer

My 6th grade homeroom teacher had a fish tank. It was full of little fish; there were probably eight or ten fish in there. Homerooms were organized in alphabetical order. Most of my best friends ended up in homeroom since I have an unusually large number of friends with last names beginning with either R or S.

So anyway, there weren’t desks for homeroom, there were circular tables with four or five chairs per table. I sat at a table with Dan, Rioux, and Scottywood right next to the fish tank. So one day, Scottywood came up with idea of naming a fish after himself. He picked the biggest one in the tank. It was orange and it had a brown spot on it on both sides. He was proud of his little fish. Not to be outdone, the rest of us decided to name fish after ourselves too. Dan picked a jet-black fish with a big, stringy fin and named him Dan. Rioux picked a silver fish with two long black stripes like a zebra and named it Curly. Steve had a fish too. I was the last one to pick a fish so I got one that looked a lot like Curly but with only one stripe, naming him Shrimp.

The next day, we found the fish named Rimmer sulking under a shell by himself. While everyone else was swimming around like usual, Rimmer was just kind of sitting under the shell. He was barely moving, if at all. When Ms. Szymanski fed the fish, he was the only one who didn’t swim to the top immediately and start eating.

It soon became obvious that there was something wrong with the fish named Rimmer. The very day after he had been christened, he had ceased to be himself. Just three days later, Rimmer was nowhere to be found in the little tank.

“Where did the orange fish go?” Scottywood asked Ms. Szymanski.

“He got sick and died,” she said.

Initially, we were stunned. But the more we thought about it, the more sense it made. This fish, having been named Rimmer just the previous day, had completely lost the will to live. Staring up at his namesake, he decided that the sweet release of death was preferable to living in the skinny yet shameful shadow of the future NGW World Champion. It is obvious that he learned of his new name, considered the situation overnight, and had effectively shut down his immune system, letting himself be overtaken by the icy hand of the Grim Reaper. For the fish named Rimmer, the nothingness of nonexistence was preferable to a long, cruel life as a Rimmer.

Unfortunately, the fish named Rimmer did not know (or did not care) about the plague he would caused. Within a week, an unnamed fish died. Steve’s fish was next. Another unnamed fish died. Dan had babies. Though Ms. Szymanski separated the babies from the rest of the tank, the virus killed them all off quickly. Dan met the same fate shortly after giving birth.

The devastating virus spared only two. Shrimp and Curly. Two proud fish holding on to life with pride. They strutted around the tank over the unflushed corpses of their brethren confidently, invincible in the face of the suicidal fish’s artificial pestilence.

But all was not well. After only having to share the tank with one other fish for a number of weeks, Curly got restless and territorial. One morning, we found him chasing Shrimp in circles around the tank. He was relentless in his pursuit, even as food showered down around them. Of course we were glad to see that both were healthy, but why did Curly seem to be chasing Shrimp? What had Shrimp done? What set Curly off? When would Curly stop?

The next morning, there was no chase. The tank was silent. Curly hovered around by himself. Shrimp lay on the bottom, a bite mark in his side.

What drove Curly to cannibalism? Did Rimmer’s suicide disease drive him to insanity? Was he just a territorial aggressive jerk who wasn’t content to control only half the tank? No one will ever know. But there is one thing I do know. There’s nothing sadder than a fish named Rimmer.

I overhear an odd conversation

Right now Igor, the Russian kid from across the hall is lying on my bed because his roommate is watching a football game loudly. So he's lying on my bed talking to his girlfriend. I really don't want to hear this conversation, but I don't really have a choice. This is what I've heard.

"You'll be the horse and I'll be a cowboy. Ride 'em, cowboy."

Honest to God.

Then he turns to me and goes "Chris, my girlfriend tells me that if I was the last man and she was the last woman on earth, I would have to repopulate the world with a cantaloupe."

Then he gets back on the phone and says "Bring on the cantaloupe, baby."

Even though I should go down the hall because this is without a doubt somehow scarring my psyche, I can't leave. I just can't leave.

The government monopoly will crush my small business

I have a rather modest dream. It’s nothing huge. A lot of people would probably roll their eyes, even laugh at it. But it’s my dream and it’s motivated me my whole life. I just want to be a small business owner after I graduate. Find some nice property and set up shop. I don’t like to think about it, but realistically, my small business has no chance against the government monopoly.

I just want to start a Department of Motor Vehicles. Find a nice place with some parking lots and traffic lights nearby (for the driving tests), find a small bland of loyal, hard working partners and get my business out there. “Service with a smile,” that’ll be our motto. We’ll dispose of long lines and surly employees with quick, efficient workers who truly enjoy working for Sartinsky’s Department of Motor Vehicles.

Sure, it would be great. A dream come true. But these days it’s hard for me to imagine this happening when I consider the stranglehold the government has on the Department of Motor Vehicles industry. It is unbelievable that these kind of anti-small business measures are being put in place by the very government who pledges to protect us with antitrust laws. What happened to the entrepreneurial spirit?

Why should there be only one place for people to get their licenses renewed or plates replaced? With only the government assigned to these important tasks, they are free to set whatever price and treat the customer in any way they decide is best for them. I say you deserve better! If the government hopes to compete with the friendly service of Sartinsky’s DMV, they had better get their act together and fast. Fail a driver’s test? We’ll give you another try any time you want! No appointments needed! Want an obscenity for your vanity plates? For a small “vulgarity surcharge,” we’ll give you that innuendo the bigwigs in Washington decided you weren’t good enough for.

You know what else we’re going to have? Clowns. Yup. Three of them.

I just want to provide the customer with a premium service. Maybe we’ll charge a little more than the government. I’m going to try to keep prices as low as possible. I’ll sleep in the back room if I have to. But when you have pockets as deep as the government’s, you can slash your prices to stomp on any entrepreneurs who move in on your territory. That’s to be expected.

But I promise that if our prices are a little higher than the government’s DMV, I’ll make sure it’s worth the extra cost to you. You know about the service with a smile and you know about the clowns. But I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure your experience at Sartinsky’s Independent Department of Motor Vehicles is the best Department of Motor Vehicle experience you’ll ever have. Think the prices are too steep? Tell us. I’ll buy your lunch! I’ll wash your car! I’ll drive you around for a week! Whatever it takes to make sure you recommend us to your friends.

You know what else I’m going to have? A waterslide. It’ll be sick.

I know what you’re thinking. “Sure, you make a lot of nice promises, but how can you really top the big guys? How do you have the resources to compete?” Well you know what? You’re right. I don’t have the resources to compete with Big Government. But I do have one thing the big guys don’t. Passion. The passion for providing top notch Department of Motor Vehicles Service. I want to renew your license. I want to settle your parking tickets. I want to give you your driving test. And you know what? If you do something wrong, my driving instructors and I won’t make you feel bad. Even if you fail! We’ll give you a pat on the back, an encouraging word, and even some helpful pointers. Anything to make you, our valued customer, happy. I have to go the extra mile to make sure I keep the customers satisfied so you keep coming back. And I’ll enjoy it! I’ll work all day, seven days a week! That’s how much I want to be the person who provides you with all your Department of Motor Vehicles services.

That and mini golf. Yeah that’s right. Mini golf. Beat that, government.

Where's Joe?

This is old, but it's also one of the funniest things you'll ever hear in your life.

Paul Anka

Ryan Butt jokes

There was this basketball player at B.U. last year named Ryan Butt. Do I need to say anything more to set this one up?

(Apologies in advance, this is crude and you'll probably be embarrassed to laugh at it)

The Fork: "oh, and butt gets drilled...."
The Fork: "butt gets rammed by an opposing player"
Me: "the terriers are being led to the win behind butt"
The Fork: "butt passes...."
Me: "the coach should have gone straight to butt in that situation"
The Fork: "coach puts butt on the court"
Me: too bad he wasn't a fat football player, then he would "butt, the wide receiver"
Me: "butt, banged hard on the way to the hole"
The Fork: or "Ryan plays hard. His teamates love to make fun of him for his profuse sweating, knicknaming him Ryan "Dripping" Butt"
Me: "sir mix-a-lot dicusses fondness for bu power forward ryan 'big' butt"
The Fork: "His teammates take advantage of him whenever butt is left wide open.to take it right to the hole....by passing to him whenever they can"
The Fork: over the years, butt has developed a particular taste for mexican food. however, one game it dint sit well and butt spewed all over the court
The Fork: butt's popularity is particularly evident in the reaction of the team's towel boys, who are always eager to wipe a wet Butt
Me: "wow, that big player just took advantage of butt there"
The Fork: "butt always needs to stretch before seeing any serious action"
Me: "that was a long, hard game. i guarentee you butt will be sore for days"
Dan: oh no, i think they may want to double team butt
Dan: butt, acting a little cheeky
Me: "the terriers are taking advantage of butt being wide open in the post every chance they get"

Just so everyone knows

Calusine's new nickname is "The Fork." So next time you talk to him, be sure to refer to him only as "The Fork."

A conversation from a dream I had last night

RANDOM GUY: Hey, man. Check out these awesome motorcycles.
ME: Not now, I have to go to college.

You know what bothers me about muggers?

The greed.

You know? I mean, I think I'm an open-minded enlightened individual. Not everyone is able to make enough money to survive in this cruel capitalist machine we call "society." Likewise, some people need so much booze to make it through the day that they are just unable to live within their means.

I understand all that.

But come on, muggers. Think of the victims for once. You know? Maybe I need that money to buy a present for my grandmother. You could at least ask.

Or, you know, at least be flexible. A little flexibility is all I'm asking for here. You know? Instead of jumping out at me with a weapon, screaming "Gimme all your money," how about letting me have a say?

You know. Just step out in front of me and say "Give me some of your money."

(A please now and then really wouldn't kill you either.)

"OK," I'd say. "You want some of my money? Well how much do you need?"

"Well I don't know. How about $15?"

"Ooh, gosh, I'm sorry. I don't have any fives, just tens."

"Well, I'll take $20 then."

"Hey, now let's not get..."

"Alright, alright, $10 would be fine."

"OK, sir. Here is $10."

"Thank you very much."

Now see? Wasn't that better?

Forced philanthropy. I like it.

Don't tell me you've never had a dream where you're walking down the street with your parents and you see Rich Sanzo and he's the President

Come on. I know I'm not the only one here...

It'll get better

Trust me.

Khris's Komedy Klassiks (Teakher Weakest Link)

You know what? Since I'm such a nike guy, I'll give you a Komedy Klassik today too.

Here is the skript for the Teakher Weakest Link skit I ko-wrote in 11th grade, featuring insightful kommentary. Ooooo!

ANNE: Good evening and welcome to “the weakest link“. Tonight we have a very special episode. Our contestants this evening are all teachers and faculty at Lewis S. Mills high School, so we will finally discover who is the best and the brightest of the Mills faculty. So, without further ado, let’s get ready to play The Weakest Link. (Music) Let’s introduce our contestants.
PITKOFF: Dr. Pitkoff [Dr. Pitkoff, played by Rybak,
was a last minute replacement for Mr. Bogen when Nate didn’t show up for the rehearsal. We were all secretly happy since there was nothing funny about Mr. Bogen we hadn’t covered the first time, plus Nate did a terrible impression. He wore a hat to cover up his hat because Mr. Bogen was bald and used a deep voice for his impression even though Nate’s regular voice was already deeper than Mr. Bogen’s.]
Olander: Mr.Olander
Nolan: (Drinks from bowl of coffee) Mr. Nolan
Burnett: Mr. Burnett
Frazer: Mrs. Frazer [I wanted to have Ms. Frazer take a bite out of a cat. I thought we could do it if we had a stuffed cat (which I had) and some ground beef or a piece of steak, but no one else went for it.]
Spillane: (Turned around)
ANNE: Mr. Spillane, I realize there isn’t much a difference between your butt and your face, but please face forward.
Spillane: Oh, I didn’t talk to him yet, I don’t know if hes going.
ANNE: What? Next.
Bentley: Mr. Bentley
Lindert: Mr. Lindert
(Music)
ANNE: To start off this special edition of the weakest link we will immediately vote of the man who spends his days in luxury lounging on the beach in palm springs sipping pina coladas with five women by his side while everyone else has to trudge to school in a blizzard. (Scans the contestants). Mr. Pitkoff, you are the
weakest link, goodbye!

PITKOFF:. That’s DR. Pitkoff!, I Have a PHD in modern dance! I deserve respect! I have a labeled parking place, where I park my solid gold school bus that your tax money paid for!! You must respect me!!
ANNE: Alright DR. Pitkoff (emphasis on Dr.) please get off of the stage. Good bye.
(Pitkoff walks offstage. He sits on the stool and faces the audience.)
PITKOFF: I can squash all of you like bugs! I deserve respect! [We kicked Pitkoff off first because that’s where Bogen was originally, but in retrospect, Rybak was funny and we should have kept him on longer]
ANNE: OK, now let’s begin the game. You must earn money
by correctly answering questions. In order to carry money into the next round, you must bank the money by saying, “bank.” Now let’s begin. (Music) Mr. Olander. In History…
OLANDER: Uh oh.
ANNE: Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
OLANDER: I don’t know…uh…John…C…Independence. [Just about every Olander line had to be changed because Mr. Olander objected to his portrayal as a drunk/druggie.]
ANNE: No Thomas Jefferson. Mr. Nolan. What’s the heart rate for the average healthy male adult?
NOLAN: In radians or degrees?
ANNE: Wrong. 70 beats per minute. Mr. Burnett, in music, name the five Backstreet Boys.
BURNETT: (Assertively, banging his podium) Howie, AJ, Brian, Nick, and Kevin.
ANNE: That is correct. Mrs. Frazer. In wildlife, how many moles usually live in a
colony?

FRAZER: (quickly) 6.02 X10 to the 23rd [That’s a really
terrible pun.]
ANNE: No , not even close. Mr. Spillane. In mathematics, what is the cosine of pi over 2?
SPILLANE: The what-what of what over what now?
NOLAN: (Giggles loudly) Every self-respecting person knows that the cosine of pi over 2 is 0!
ANNE: No, 0. Mr. Bentley. In what year was the electric chair first used for punishing criminals.
BENTLY: I remember this one time, a kid talked out of turn in my class. So I
covered him in honey, tied him too a tree in the woods, and left him there. That was about a month ago. I wonder how he’s doing. (Laughs)
ANNE: No. 1904. Mr. Lindert, in biology. How long does the human body take to decompose after death?
LINDERT: I love these people who live next to graveyards, growing their gardens and getting their water from their wells. Cause you know, when the human body decomposes, it goes into the soil, so when they’re drinking their water, they’re really
drinking Aunt Sally, and when they’re eating their carrots, they’re really eating Grandma. [That was really forced. Apparently it was something Mr. Lindert really said, but I’m sure there was some kind of context behind it.]
ANNE: That is not the correct response. In that round, you banked a vomit-inducing $0. One of you will not go on to the next round which is a good thing because my eyes hurt from looking at your ugly, stupid faces. Now it’s time to vote off…The Weakest Link!
OLANDER: Bogen.
NOLAN: Lindert.
BURNETT: Lindert.
FRAZER: Lindert.
SPILLANE: Nolan. That punks been asking for it for 2 and a half years now. [Ugh. This is the introduction of a stupid stupid angle I fought hard against. Even though Nolan and Spillane never once showed any signs of disliking each other, for some reason everyone thought it would be funny if they fought. It was stupid, it was forced, and it didn’t even make sense and I hated it.]
BENTLY: Heh. That kid’s probably pretty thirsty now, huh?
LINDERT: Aaaah! I‘m hungry.
ANNE: Mr. Lindert. Your time on this show was almost as short as your
shorts. You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye!
(Mr. Lindert walks to the stool.)
LINDERT: It’s almost dinner time. I’m gonna go shoot me a ‘coon.
ANNE: Now we move on to the next round. Losersayswhat!
OLANDER: What?
ANNE: Mr. Olander, how did I know you were going to fall for that? You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye! (Olander walks over to the stool)
OLANDER: I don’t know what just happened there. But anyway, that Ayatollah of Iran is, like, the pimp daddy! [Another real quote that was absolutely horribly forced.]
ANNE: Now that we’ve eliminated 3 contestants, we should have no problem winning money next round. Let’s begin. Mr. Nolan, in mathematics, what is the
derivative of 2x squared.
NOLAN: That would be 4x.
ANNE: That’s correct.
NOLAN: Ha! I bet Spillane didn’t know that!
[Ugh.]
SPILLANE: These things happen.
ANNE: Mr. Burnett, in biology, can a
swallow carry a coconut?
BURNETT: Would that be an African or European swallow?
ANNE: I don’t know.
BURNETT: ANNE! YOU HAVE TO BE SPECIFIC!
ANNE: Ok, Mrs. Frazer, in religion, if one doesn’t go to Heaven when they die, where does the soul go according to the Christian religion?
FRAZER: That would have to be my classroom.
ANNE: No, hell. Mr. Spillane, in Womens Pole Vaulting, who is the real mooning
tourist?
SPILLANE: (pauses, thinks, pulls out calculator)
NOLAN: Times up! (Giggles)
SPILLANE: That’s it! (lunges for Nolan, )
NOLAN: I’ll reduce you to the lowest common denominator! (roll on ground, fight).
[Though this fight is still incredibly stupid, that’s a good line.]
BURNETT: GUYS, we don’t have time for this!
FRAZER: BACK! (Spillane and Nolan fly back
to the podiums) [This bit is the only reason I backed off from my objection to the fight. I still say there could have been a better way to display Ms. Frazer’s dark powers of evil without that stupid fight.]
ANNE: Mr. Bentley, how do you say the word ’Guest” in Spanish?
BENTLEY: Guest… I usually don't have guests, but sometimes
r. Troughton comes over and we go to the gym to work out. One time a student showed up there, and hung out with us, but we decided it was best not to talk to
kids outside of school. Now this kid was one hell of an athelete. He had this
talent for running track, it was amazing. It was just something you need to be
born with. My son is a pretty good runner. He broke 4 school records. But hes a
better singer. He is studying classical voice at college. I went to an
orientation there last year. Wow I have never seen so many people in my
life. Except this one time when I was at concert. The Beatles were
playing. Wow, were they a band. They could really rock out.
Some kid in one of my classes once tried to tell me that Jimmy Hendrix was
better than the Beatles. Wow, he was wrong. I get into arguments a
lot… [Greg wrote all his speeches without help from anyone else and gave himself the most lines]
ANNE: Wrong, Invitado. Alright, it’s now time to vote off the weakest link!
NOLAN: Spillane
BURNETT: Olander
FRAZER: Frazer
SPILLANE: David Spade [I guess this was supposed to be funny
because Mr. Nolan looks like David Spade. I remember finding it dumb at the time but at the show I glared at Steve after he said that line which was completely unnecessary.]
BENTLEY: Frazer
ANNE: Well Mrs. Frazer, your time has come to retire, RETIRE, RETIRE!………….to the backstage.
[Heh]
FRAZER: (on stool) Fine, I didn’t wanna be in this skit anyway!
[My absolute favorite line in the skit, but nobody got it. When we asked all the teachers if they would let us put them in the skit, Ms. Frazer was the only one to say no. We were absolutely stunned. Eventually she let us.]
ANNE: For this round, the first one to be kicked off will be whoever is the first to think about factoring 8th degree polynomials.
NOLAN: I’m out
ANNE: You are a very sad, sad,
little man. You are the weakest link, goodbye!
NOLAN: (walk over to stool). I cant help it, they are so magnificent.
ANNE: On to the next round. Mr. Burnett, What was the date of the death of Former President Woodrow Wilson?
BURNETT: (Pulls out newspaper from shirt.) Well, the date of his death was (pauses for one full minute)

[I think he only made it about 45 seconds or so]
February third, 1924 which is 58 years from tomorrow.
ANNE: Thank you for being prompt, we all thought you had a stroke. That is correct. Mr. Spillane, in movies, who is the leading character in Ferris Bueller’s Day
Off?
SPILLANE: Ron Jeremy.
Anne: Wrong, Ferris Bueller. Mr. Bentley, in rescue breathing, how many chest pumps are done between breaths?

Bentley: Hey, I was a lifeguard once. It was at this pond in Torrington. Man, that was the life. I sat around, watching kids swim, did nothing. Heh heh, i remember this one time when there was this really fat lady in the pond. I said to myself" Paul, that woman is going to swim out past where she can handle, and start drowning". Lo and behold, 5 minutes later, she was drowning. Hey! Hey! Yoo hoo! You’re gonna get clobbered! Anyway, I really didn't feel like dragging her 400 lb body to the shore so I says to the other life guard" Hey, you go rescue her, i don’t feel like it". Of course he went out and went through all that trouble to save her, while I lounged on the beach and got a tan. Hah hah hah

Anne: You are a sicktwisted man, and that is wrong, 5. That’s the end of this round, its time to vote of the weakest link.
Burnett: Bentley
Spillane: Bentley
Bentley: heh heh….Man, this one time back in the 80s…
Anne: That’s enough Mr. Bentley, we’ve all had entirely too much of your incessant
rambling…your time on this show is at an end…you are the Weakest link! Goodbye!
BENTLEY: He heh…im going to take this time to talk about my stunning wardrobe. See these shoes? Heh heh, I took them off a dead man. I don’t think he’ll needing them anymore. These pants were once owned by Ronald Reagan until I broke into his house and took them. I found this sweater in the trash behind Arbies. There was a rat living in it, but I have since eaten the rat, and the sweater is mine.
ANNE: We now enter our final round, between Mr. Burnett and Mr. Spillane to determine tonight‘s Strongest Link. Mr. Burnett, in Religion, was the Protestant Church an Organic movement in the 1500‘s?
BURNETT: Was it?
ANNE: That’s the question.
BURNETT: Well, you can look at this two different ways. From the modern perspective, this is a very traditional organization. However, if you look at it keeping the time period in mind, you may find that it was very revolutionary!
ANNE: So was it organic or not?
BURNETT: Was it? (Pause) Was it? Come on! You guys have to think!
ANNE: That is not the correct response. Mr. Spillane, if you answer this next question correctly, you will be tonight’s Strongest Link. Who has been the worst player throughout the game?
SPILLANE: Uh, me? [No one could even hear this line, so no one in the audience could figure out how or why the thing ended.]
ANNE: That is the first question you’ve gotten right tonight Mr. Spillane. Congratulations, you are tonight’s Strongest Link.
SPILLANE: (Laughs and dances)

ANNE: That’s all for our show tonight, join us next time on the Weakest Link. Goodbye!

So let's get this thing started then, shall we?

And what better way to ring in this site than an NGW Update?

Now this is an old story (from June 19th), so you regular NGW visitors might have already heard this one, but here it is regardless for the benefit of the rest of you.

Disturbing News !

Disturbing news has
just reached the ears of NGW 'Big wigs'. It has been reported that NGW hall of
famer The Charm has been injured in a serious road accident.

It is
beleived that there was a failed attempt on The Charm's life, when an as of yet
unknown car pulled up along side Charm's Escalade and fired off 16 shots. [So apparently, this car was equipped with an automatic turret
gun] Luckily, none of the shots hit any one but a dramatic and
near fatal car chase was soon to come.

The Charm's vehicle is said to
have fled the scene with the unknown car following, both travelling inexcess of
100 mph. The chase did not last long as The Charm's Escalade edged off the road
and hit a lamppost sending the vehicle spinning into on comming traffic. [I'm trying to picture this one in my mind and I just don't think
it's possible. What, did he bounce off the lamppost onto the other side of the
road? Now, I'm no physicist, but it seems to me it would take a pretty strong
lamppost to send a car bouncing off into "on comming" traffic.]

The Charm is currently lying in a critical state in an NY hospital. [As opposed to the driver of the car he hit, who is currently
dancing in a critical state in "an NY" hospital.]

More information as we hear it !

If you would like to wish the Charm well, email him at thecharm4eva@yahoo.co.uk. You may know The Charm as the NGW Untamed Champion famous for his catchphrase "Is that supposed to impress me!? You think your better than me You think your better than me You think your better than me".

Hello

OK. Might as well start by introducing this thing. My goal is simple. Basically, I’m going to try and post something funny every day; whether I write it, point to it, or wrote it years ago. So look for daily updates. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it but I’m giving it a shot. And even if no one ever comes here, I’m still going to do it as long as I’m physically able. I just need to give myself a feeling of obligation, even if it’s only to myself and my dusty little corner of the Internet. But if you do come here, feel free to post a comment or drop me a line and let me know what you think.