Best of Sept. 2004

The government monopoly will crush my small business
The good stuff started on September 9th with this little essay about my dream career and how I planned to make the Department of Motor Vehicles experience even better.
Money line: I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure your experience at Sartinsky’s Independent Department of Motor Vehicles is the best Department of Motor Vehicle experience you’ll ever have. Think the prices are too steep? Tell us. I’ll buy your lunch! I’ll wash your car! I’ll drive you around for a week! Whatever it takes to make sure you recommend us to your friends.

You know what else I’m going to have? A waterslide. It’ll be sick.

A Fish Named Rimmer
A stroll down memory lane with this absolutely true story from sixth grade.
Money line: It is obvious that he learned of his new name, considered the situation overnight, and had effectively shut down his immune system, letting himself be overtaken by the icy hand of the Grim Reaper. For the fish named Rimmer, the nothingness of nonexistence was preferable to a long, cruel life as a Rimmer.

Searching for Scottywood, pt. 1
The first in what was supposed to be a long series (and the first in a series of things that were supposed to be long serieses but were soon forgotten about).
Money line: Did you know Scottywood wrote an autobiography? Who knew someone who can speak English about as well as a jellyfish could be such an accomplished writer?

Bush, bin Laden trade bodies for a day; gain renewed appreciation for one another
If only international politics were really this simple.
Money line: Some advisors and people close to the President or the terrorists kingpin had suspicions that something was wrong. "I did question some of the things he did," said First Lady Laura Bush. "When I asked George if he liked my new outfit, I was surprised when he told me 'cover yourself, for your harlotry is surely shameful in front of our God, Allahu Akbar.' It was certainly out of character."

Despite lack of UN Resolution, Mario vows to continue fighting the War on Koopas
Don't know if it should count since technically it was written and published before the site began, but what the hell. It's funny. Here it is.
Money line: Although Bush and Blair both said their countries would be unable to send troops to take out Bowser because of the situation in Iraq, they did pledge supplies to aid in the effort, including thousands of mushrooms, hundreds of fireball flowers, and coins.

Searching for Scottywood, pt. 2
Get to know Scottywood from the man the myth the legend himself.
Money line: for about 8 months the XWF did well and Scott won and lost many titles and matches. It was something in Octomber that almost destoryed the XWF. Angelfire closed down the XWF site.

I am impervious to buses
Perhaps the most talked-about post in Shrimp Products history. There were quite a few people who asked me, with varying levels of seriousness, whether or not I had really been hit by a bus.
Money line: Look, genie. I don't want to hear your little lecture about inflation and unstable economies.

Complete September Archives:
0905-0911
0912-0918
0919-0925
0926-1002