Fundraising
A good idea. Not sure why it didn't catch on.
Money line: "Dear children of America. Santa Claus is not real."
Charles: two sentences to be translated for his Hindi presentation about his winter vacation
This reminds me of something I forgot to do that I can't do now. Oh well. It wasn't that good anyway.
Byron White to come out of retirement, rejoin Supreme Court next session
More relevant now than ever.
Money line: "I never wanted to leave the game forever," he said. "I tried commentary but it wasn't the same. I need to be out there on the bench making rulings, writing dissenting opinions, and being out there every night doing what I love to do."
Saddam Hussein learns the true meaning of Christmas
Just as irrelevant now as it ever was.
Money line: "From that day on, he was only concerned with letting those around him know how much he loved them and didn't talk about Erector anymore," Whitmore said. This attitude reportedly made Saddam's unwrapping of the Erector set on Christmas day all the sweeter.
Banana
Banana.
Money line: Banana.
Complete January Archives:
1226-0101
0102-0108
0109-0115
0116-0122
0123-0129
0130-0205
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
Best of Dec. 2004
Balderdash, Best of
Probably the best Best of Balderdash on the site.
Money line: “Another Time Another Place”
A spaceman and his robot are kept from being wed, so they decide to give it another go in Medieval times.
Dan
RIP Iggy
My humble tribute to one of the greatest men even born.
Money line: Iggy never stopped loving life. And I think that's what I'll remember about him long after I forget about how I thought he was going to cut my throat from ear to ear the first time I saw him.
Charles, plotting revenge
It is what it is.
Complete December Archives
1128-1204
1205-1211
1212-1218
1219-1225
1226-0101
Probably the best Best of Balderdash on the site.
Money line: “Another Time Another Place”
A spaceman and his robot are kept from being wed, so they decide to give it another go in Medieval times.
Dan
RIP Iggy
My humble tribute to one of the greatest men even born.
Money line: Iggy never stopped loving life. And I think that's what I'll remember about him long after I forget about how I thought he was going to cut my throat from ear to ear the first time I saw him.
Charles, plotting revenge
It is what it is.
Complete December Archives
1128-1204
1205-1211
1212-1218
1219-1225
1226-0101
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Best of Nov. 2004
The cold war escalates
Detailing a real-life amazing roommate conflict between a loud Bostonian and a Russian who doesn't speak any language very well.
Money line: "26 against 5, in 86 years it will against 6!"
Dear US cidiz of Connect: the best of Scottywood's mangling of the English language
What would this site be without Scottywood? Nothing, obviously.
Money line: MARQUETTE: [...In worry's vice]
Complete November Archives:
1031-1106
1107-1113
1114-1120
1121-1127
1128-1204
Detailing a real-life amazing roommate conflict between a loud Bostonian and a Russian who doesn't speak any language very well.
Money line: "26 against 5, in 86 years it will against 6!"
Dear US cidiz of Connect: the best of Scottywood's mangling of the English language
What would this site be without Scottywood? Nothing, obviously.
Money line: MARQUETTE: [...In worry's vice]
Complete November Archives:
1031-1106
1107-1113
1114-1120
1121-1127
1128-1204
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
BREAKING: THE FORK LIVES MY DREAM
"he walked up and i got a picture with him and then realized how stupid i felt contributing the any hysteria over jerrod fogle being there so i left feeling dirty and used"
Best of Oct. 2004
What do you mean the camcorder wasn't working?
I think this one is really funny.
Money line: Yes, Lindsey, it was that important. It's not everyday an alligator crawls out of his little swamp and grabs your baby. It's not everyday you rip open an alligator's mouth and stick your arm between his serrated teeth to grab your son from the jaws of death. It's not everyday you bean an alligator bloody, pin it down and proceed to pummel it to within an inch of its life. How many times have you done it? Because I've done it once. And it would have been nice to get it on fucking tape! Meanwhile, we come back tomorrow I guaran-damn-tee you the chimp will still be hanging from the tree. Yeah, thank the Lord we got that on tape.
10/21
Guest blogger Pac-Man's contribution to the site.
Money line: I've been thinking of writing my memoirs. But then Ms. Pac-Man (excuse me, now she's Miss Brownstein again) reminded me all I've ever done is eat dots. Why the fuck did I ever marry her? I should have just made her go through with the abortion. I never would have had to see her again.
Things read on the Ashlee Simpson message board
If this blog ever wins me a Pulitzer, it will be because of my coverage of the Ashlee Simpson lip-sync scandal.
Money line: Ashlee's life is much less significant than the Garbasail
Complete October Archives:
0926-1002
1003-1009
1010-1016
1017-1023
1024-1030
1031-1106
I think this one is really funny.
Money line: Yes, Lindsey, it was that important. It's not everyday an alligator crawls out of his little swamp and grabs your baby. It's not everyday you rip open an alligator's mouth and stick your arm between his serrated teeth to grab your son from the jaws of death. It's not everyday you bean an alligator bloody, pin it down and proceed to pummel it to within an inch of its life. How many times have you done it? Because I've done it once. And it would have been nice to get it on fucking tape! Meanwhile, we come back tomorrow I guaran-damn-tee you the chimp will still be hanging from the tree. Yeah, thank the Lord we got that on tape.
10/21
Guest blogger Pac-Man's contribution to the site.
Money line: I've been thinking of writing my memoirs. But then Ms. Pac-Man (excuse me, now she's Miss Brownstein again) reminded me all I've ever done is eat dots. Why the fuck did I ever marry her? I should have just made her go through with the abortion. I never would have had to see her again.
Things read on the Ashlee Simpson message board
If this blog ever wins me a Pulitzer, it will be because of my coverage of the Ashlee Simpson lip-sync scandal.
Money line: Ashlee's life is much less significant than the Garbasail
Complete October Archives:
0926-1002
1003-1009
1010-1016
1017-1023
1024-1030
1031-1106
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Best of Sept. 2004
The government monopoly will crush my small business
The good stuff started on September 9th with this little essay about my dream career and how I planned to make the Department of Motor Vehicles experience even better.
Money line: I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure your experience at Sartinsky’s Independent Department of Motor Vehicles is the best Department of Motor Vehicle experience you’ll ever have. Think the prices are too steep? Tell us. I’ll buy your lunch! I’ll wash your car! I’ll drive you around for a week! Whatever it takes to make sure you recommend us to your friends.
You know what else I’m going to have? A waterslide. It’ll be sick.
A Fish Named Rimmer
A stroll down memory lane with this absolutely true story from sixth grade.
Money line: It is obvious that he learned of his new name, considered the situation overnight, and had effectively shut down his immune system, letting himself be overtaken by the icy hand of the Grim Reaper. For the fish named Rimmer, the nothingness of nonexistence was preferable to a long, cruel life as a Rimmer.
Searching for Scottywood, pt. 1
The first in what was supposed to be a long series (and the first in a series of things that were supposed to be long serieses but were soon forgotten about).
Money line: Did you know Scottywood wrote an autobiography? Who knew someone who can speak English about as well as a jellyfish could be such an accomplished writer?
Bush, bin Laden trade bodies for a day; gain renewed appreciation for one another
If only international politics were really this simple.
Money line: Some advisors and people close to the President or the terrorists kingpin had suspicions that something was wrong. "I did question some of the things he did," said First Lady Laura Bush. "When I asked George if he liked my new outfit, I was surprised when he told me 'cover yourself, for your harlotry is surely shameful in front of our God, Allahu Akbar.' It was certainly out of character."
Despite lack of UN Resolution, Mario vows to continue fighting the War on Koopas
Don't know if it should count since technically it was written and published before the site began, but what the hell. It's funny. Here it is.
Money line: Although Bush and Blair both said their countries would be unable to send troops to take out Bowser because of the situation in Iraq, they did pledge supplies to aid in the effort, including thousands of mushrooms, hundreds of fireball flowers, and coins.
Searching for Scottywood, pt. 2
Get to know Scottywood from the man the myth the legend himself.
Money line: for about 8 months the XWF did well and Scott won and lost many titles and matches. It was something in Octomber that almost destoryed the XWF. Angelfire closed down the XWF site.
I am impervious to buses
Perhaps the most talked-about post in Shrimp Products history. There were quite a few people who asked me, with varying levels of seriousness, whether or not I had really been hit by a bus.
Money line: Look, genie. I don't want to hear your little lecture about inflation and unstable economies.
Complete September Archives:
0905-0911
0912-0918
0919-0925
0926-1002
The good stuff started on September 9th with this little essay about my dream career and how I planned to make the Department of Motor Vehicles experience even better.
Money line: I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure your experience at Sartinsky’s Independent Department of Motor Vehicles is the best Department of Motor Vehicle experience you’ll ever have. Think the prices are too steep? Tell us. I’ll buy your lunch! I’ll wash your car! I’ll drive you around for a week! Whatever it takes to make sure you recommend us to your friends.
You know what else I’m going to have? A waterslide. It’ll be sick.
A Fish Named Rimmer
A stroll down memory lane with this absolutely true story from sixth grade.
Money line: It is obvious that he learned of his new name, considered the situation overnight, and had effectively shut down his immune system, letting himself be overtaken by the icy hand of the Grim Reaper. For the fish named Rimmer, the nothingness of nonexistence was preferable to a long, cruel life as a Rimmer.
Searching for Scottywood, pt. 1
The first in what was supposed to be a long series (and the first in a series of things that were supposed to be long serieses but were soon forgotten about).
Money line: Did you know Scottywood wrote an autobiography? Who knew someone who can speak English about as well as a jellyfish could be such an accomplished writer?
Bush, bin Laden trade bodies for a day; gain renewed appreciation for one another
If only international politics were really this simple.
Money line: Some advisors and people close to the President or the terrorists kingpin had suspicions that something was wrong. "I did question some of the things he did," said First Lady Laura Bush. "When I asked George if he liked my new outfit, I was surprised when he told me 'cover yourself, for your harlotry is surely shameful in front of our God, Allahu Akbar.' It was certainly out of character."
Despite lack of UN Resolution, Mario vows to continue fighting the War on Koopas
Don't know if it should count since technically it was written and published before the site began, but what the hell. It's funny. Here it is.
Money line: Although Bush and Blair both said their countries would be unable to send troops to take out Bowser because of the situation in Iraq, they did pledge supplies to aid in the effort, including thousands of mushrooms, hundreds of fireball flowers, and coins.
Searching for Scottywood, pt. 2
Get to know Scottywood from the man the myth the legend himself.
Money line: for about 8 months the XWF did well and Scott won and lost many titles and matches. It was something in Octomber that almost destoryed the XWF. Angelfire closed down the XWF site.
I am impervious to buses
Perhaps the most talked-about post in Shrimp Products history. There were quite a few people who asked me, with varying levels of seriousness, whether or not I had really been hit by a bus.
Money line: Look, genie. I don't want to hear your little lecture about inflation and unstable economies.
Complete September Archives:
0905-0911
0912-0918
0919-0925
0926-1002
Shrimp Products: ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY
Can you believe it? This fledgling little operation was started on September 6th, 2004 and some 445 posts later we're still going strong. Sure, I don't update the site daily anymore and yeah the site has become little more than long titles with a single phrase punch line underneath, but we had some good times together, remember? In honor of the first of what will hopefully be many years of Shrimp Products, I will spend the next twelve days reminiscing and reposting some of the best moments in Shrimp Products history. It will be a chance for new readers to see what they might have missed, old readers to relive the best, and most importantly, me to provide twelve days of material while doing zero days of work (I might post new stuff during this time or I might hold it over depending on my mood--I will update on stand up (no show on Friday, possibly the 21st, more details when I get them)).
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